[12:14] singer33_007: Hi, I was looking at yahoo personals, i noticed your page.. anyway, yahoo thinks you are my top match.
[12:14] singer33_007: do you want to see my profile..?
[12:14] Deadwhoreinabox: I guess that depends on whether or not you’re a spammer
[12:16] Deadwhoreinabox: But I’m young and idealistic, I’ll assume that some supposed yahoo personal ad led you to somehow track down my instant messanger name and while you can’t afford to use the personal service to contact me you magically have a profile on your own server advertising you on a webcam for a low monthly fee.
[12:17] Deadwhoreinabox: As I was dropped on my head several times as a child and force fed model airplane glue until the age of 12 I’m inclined to believe you might be the real deal
[12:17] Deadwhoreinabox: perhaps we can get married right now, and I can just sign over my billions in stock options to your faceless swiss bank account while you type romantic nothings at me
[12:19] Deadwhoreinabox: I must admit your conversational skills are astounding as you’ve managed to already get a proposal out of me and caused me to think of you as a beautiful, blonde, large breasted, 19 year old starving college student who could surely use my help, and of course my internet affections, which are better than real affection anyway. I will begin uploading copies of my social security card forthwith! so that you may never go hungry again, noble web cam girl/boy/transvestite….
[12:21] Deadwhoreinabox: Rest assured with my dying breath I shall visit your profile over and over again driving your hit counts to astronomical values causing you to become funded by DARPA and FEMA, and possibly Ted Turner, you will become rich beyond your wildest dreams, at which point you can pay for my painful carpal tunnel operations from clicking on your website until my fingers bleed. But I’m sure from all that we’ve shared… that you’re worth it.
[12:21] Deadwhoreinabox: Why won’t you love me??
[12:22] Deadwhoreinabox: You’re ruining this relationship I hope you know that, I was willing to go all the way and you scorn my proferred lust and money. Where are your priorities? If you keep this up we may not be able to continue seeing each other.
[12:22] Deadwhoreinabox: You’ve been warned, I’m going to end this blissful partnership we’ve recently garnered together. Must you leave me in the dark like this?
[12:24] Deadwhoreinabox: You never cared at all! my credit card and 17 inch genitalia were never enough for you and now you leave me pining, lonely, and hitchhiking on the information highway with only your vague memory to keep me warm at night… Goodbye cruel world
[12:28] *** singer33_007 has been ignored.

Yesterday a military court found Private Lynndie England, a sort of David Lynchian take on Gomer Pyle, guilty of abusing inmates at the Abu Ghraib prison. The prison abuses, which by all accounts were extensive and creative, have officially been rectified. Justice is served and everyone can go home happy (except for the people still in prison). In the off chance you were one of the poor suckers that got photographed nude next to the adorable England, you can sleep well tonight for your tormenters have been brought to justice.

Of course I’m being sarcastic there, because as a child of the Internet, I know nothing but negativity. I truly believe the abuses that took place in Abu Ghraib were not the work of a few rascally bad apples, and that higher ups were most likely aware and complicit. Otherwise, they were negligent and not paying attention, which is bad in its own right. The fact nobody major has taken any responsibility or heat for this case undoubtedly looks bad in the eyes of the rest of the world, especially Iraqis. Because of this, I purpose we also blame the shameful actions of Abu Ghraib on former FEMA director and current FEMA payroll recipient Michael Brown. It’s a one-two punch really. Nobody likes that guy as is, and he’s a real pompous jerk to top it off.

Prior to the hurricane, the only things I knew about Louisiana was that its government was riddled with corruption and that Gambit was from there. I don’t fault the state and local governments because I had no faith in them to begin with. Besides, they were sitting around a giant sewer after the disaster. I find more faults with the people that had military and national resources that sat around outside the sewer while Americans died and tore each other apart. A friend of a friend of mine was in the Superdome and he said people there resorted to cannibalism and idol worship. Also, he’s not entirely sure, but he thinks there may have been at least one great train robbery. This was a month before the hurricane, though. I can’t imagine how bad it was during and after the hurricane.

I’m glad it’s finally okay to play the blame game because I was worried that wasn’t going to happen. I’m going to get a giant foam hand with finger sticking out so I can point and root for the blamers and the blamed from home. Deep down inside, though, I know no one will ever be held accountable and that my foam-powered pointing will be an empty gesture aimed at nothing. At the very least, it will serve as a sponge for my tears. Then I’m going to jab Scott McClellan in the eye with it for being the most obnoxious human being ever created. Hopefully my tears will strangle his tears in the process.

Personally I feel compelled to blame the elderly, handicapped, and poor citizens for not taking the opportunity to prove the impossible is possible, that miracles can and do happen. Look at the miracle unfolding in Iraq right now. Under Saddam Hussein the country was a totalitarian state with limited freedoms, harsh punishments, and oppressive conditions. Now it’s miraculously changed into a giant exploding tinderbox with a bunch of rival factions trying to claim ownership of the oil, because that’s probably the only thing that isn’t going to be completely owned by foreign companies. While the new government argues what exactly the government can and can’t do, lots of tourists with guns have come by to shoot at people and set off bombs. They weren’t there before, so that’s a brand new threat we inspired. I hear that we had to go into Iraq to fight this new threat there so that we wouldn’t have to fight them here. I know my neighbor wants to kill me and I’m going to prove it by murdering his family.

I’m not sure how many people have to die before the victims of 9/11 have been properly avenged, but I hope it’s not that many more. I won’t deny that these wars help my geography skills a great deal, but it’s just not worth it to me. I also hope that the people that were killed in the process of avenging the victims of 9/11 don’t have to be avenged themselves, because this could get very messy. I can’t remember if we declared “no avenge-backs” before we went to war or not.

Some of the people that botched the war in Iraq got medals. I hope the medal Michael Brown gets is made out of dog crap and I hope the strap breaks shortly after it goes around his neck so that he has to bend over to pick up his dog crap medal. I hope his pants rip when he does that, too. Then I hope a pretty lady sees him and laughs at him. Basically I just hope he has the worst day ever and maybe misses his bus and has to walk all the way home. In the rain.

Speculation that Karl Rove outed a spy has kind of died down and everybody has forgotten that he or one of his coworkers committed light treason and that the White House flip-flopped on whether or not they would fire “anyone who has anything to do with it.” Wasn’t that giant emotionless robot John Kerry demonized for flip-flopping? I specifically voted against him on the sole basis that he flip-flopped on something or other and could very well flip flop again. I hate flip-flops and prefer regular shoes. I have a special place in my heart for shoe phones. Don Adams recently died, and he will forever be remembered as TV super spy Maxwell Smart. Can you imagine if someone in the White House leaked Maxwell Smart’s identity as a spy to the public? It’s not so innocent now, is it? I feel crushed. I don’t think I’ll ever walk again.

While the battle for Iraq continues to continue to heat up and simultaneously wind down, another war is being raged to get intelligent design taught in schools along side such theories as “evolution” and “study hall.” If there is any justice in this world intelligent design will kick the shit out of evolution, tie it up, and drag it behind a pickup truck until it dies, thus sending it back to the depths of hell along with all other forms of logic and reasoning. There were dinosaurs and man living together and I know this because the Bible says so. Jurassic Park 3:16, asshole.

Anyway, I guess what I’m trying to say is that there doesn’t seem to be a lot of justice in this world. And because this lack of justice, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. It occurred to me that, through the eyes of the octopus, we must look awfully incompetent and corrupt. It’s not everyday you realize you’re disappointing octopuses, and that has me a little worried. I think we could do better, because frankly this situation is embarrassing. We may not have 8 long tentacles or be able to shoot ink out of our groins, but those aren’t necessary skills in building a sane and rational world. Sure they help, but human ingenuity is pretty crafty as well. The octopus may use its ink for propulsion and evasion, but we use ink to write books. We’ve already got an edge, now let’s start cutting shit with it.

TAKING OUR LEAD from Intel, Cmail is proud to announce that we’re developing a whole new numbering scheme for our pages.
Instead of numbering pages logically from zero up to 26362, like this one, we have decided to take advantage of an older scheme which will make life much simpler for our Latin readers, whose number is, naturally, legion.

Page 26362 will thus become page MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMCCCLXII.

For our geeky readers, we might convert that number to binary, such as 110011011111010.

We will also change the date of such a story from 22 September 2005 in the Gregorian calendar to Julian calendar Dies Mercurii A.D. X KAL. OCT MMDCCLVIII AUC to make our stories much easier to understand.

(It’s a joke – if you don’t get it, you probly don’t want to)

- Dick

COMEDY

Most “comedy” writing on television is just terrible and bland. Here’s an example of a typical “King of Queens” joke:

Husband: I can’t find my car keys!
Wife: Maybe you should be less forgetful!
Husband: I remembered your birthday last year!
Wife: Yes, but only after I reminded you!
*audience laughs*

That’s weak. I’ve decided to break into television writing. I’m going to make sitcoms actually funny. These shows need to add some edgy, Internet humor to the mix!

To accomplish this noble goal, I’ve written what the industry calls a “spec script.” I sent it out to a bunch of production companies, but for some reason I haven’t got any job offers yet. Maybe I mistyped my address or something. Anyway, here’s my spec script for “Everybody Loves Raymond,” a show that I think I saw part of once:

Everybody Loves Raymond Spec Script
“An Apple a Day…”

Raymond enters the living room to greet his wife, Debra.

RAYMOND: Honey, I’m home!

DEBRA: How was your day, dear?

RAYMOND: It was great! I just bought one of these new Apple iPod Nanos! Look at it! It’s so small!

DEBRA: Oh great, just what you need! Another small thing in your pants!

RAYMOND: Oh yeah? Uh, well… unlike you, my iPod has 4GB of storage space!

DEBRA: Oooh, you really “owned” me there, Ray. No, but seriously, you’re a materialistic, gullible, hipster-scumbag-sap for buying that useless overpriced piece of glossy shit. And why’d you buy ANOTHER iPod when you already have two other revisions?

RAYMOND: (winking at camera) Gotta catch ‘em all!

Raymond’s father, Frank, enters the room.

FRANK: You assholes chatting about iPods?

RAYMOND: We sure are, Grandpa Frank!

FRANK: You know I finally saw something awesome yesterday down at the Apple store.

RAYMOND: Oh yeah, what was that? Those new cinema-sized monitors?

FRANK: No, it was a dead trendwhore! The little emo piece of shit choked to death on his earbud headphones!

Raymond’s two kids, Ally and Geoffrey, come running into the room.

ALLY: Dad! Geoffrey posted naked pictures of me again on an Internet forum!

RAYMOND: Geoffrey! What did I tell you about doing that!

Raymond motions for Geoffrey to come closer, then whispers into his ear:

RAYMOND: Don’t post naked pictures of your sister online without getting my “admin approval!”

Raymond pats his son on the head.

RAYMOND: Now get the hell out of here before I ban your asses!

The kids run out of the room.

RAYMOND: Well, I guess I’m going to go update my blog now.

FRANK: I heard today that Microsoft is shipping seven different versions of Windows Vista, their next operating system. I already bought the good version of Vista, though: it’s called Linux!

DEBRA: And what’s the deal with that new Nintendo Revolution controller? I guess it detects motion, right? I wonder if it will be able to detect me throwing that conceptual disaster into the trash!

RAYMOND: Whoa, whoa, watch your language guys! I’m podcasting this entire conversation to an RSS feed right now!

FRANK: Hey you know what RSS stands for, don’t ya Raymond?

RAYMOND: No, what?

FRANK: Really Stupid Shit!

DEBRA: GG

That’s as far as I’ve gotten, but I think it will be a hit.. we’ll see.
(special thanks to SaW)