Crotch Mail

There’s been a lot of talk about the upcoming “Console Wars” See our earlier article about Xbox360 vs PS3.

We think it would be better to focus on the future of gaming, or some similar nonsensical string of buzzwords, like the “Paradigm of Virtual Life” You see I’m so clever I could just title this article all day long. But the future can’t wait! (zing) Here are my predictions.

The New Names:

We all know the new consoles are now called the “Xbox 360″ and the “Playstation 3″ and “Nintendo Revolution” But what will the consoles AFTER that be called? Here are some predictions for Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo.

Sony 4th Generation console name ideas
1. Playstation 4 XP
2. StationPlay -4
3. PS The footnote
4. The Not X-box
5. The Silver Baboon
6. Megatron

Microsoft 3rd Generation Console name ideas
1. Xbox 720!
2. SeXbox
3. Apple Mac G6
4. Xbox 3: XXX State of the console
5. YBox
6. AlmostPC

Nintendo 6th (sorta) Generation console name ideas
1. GameSphere (you heard it here first!)
2. Maximum Revolution Demolition
3. The “Please buy it”
4. Pokemon Platform
5. Wacky Fun Thingy
6. Playskool will buy it and call it *babysitter box*

Now that I’ve asserted my Genius we can all rest easy but what Features will be included with the New wacky digital wave of techno virtual-buzzword filled gaming superfuture?? (phew thats getting long winded)

Featuring Features!

Sony Playstation4 –

Up to 37 wireless controllers!
So you can all have postage stamp sized segments of the screen and go blind within MINUTES!
19 Quad Core cross parellaxed CellX Processor Magix
This is case your Sonybox needs to calculate Pi every 1/130000th of a second or run that SETI crap, whatever…
Cock-Slot Memory sticks
Simply insert your genitalia into the Blo-Job memory slot to have your game progress embedded in the shaft of your penis with hydraulic force! And they say gaming isn’t sexually diverse, girls can play, they just can’t save without the “Sony-Strap-on Pro Duo Cards”
Organic Storage Unit 1x
In an effort to cram more storage into a small medium we’ve decided to utilize the endless potentional of the organic genetic structure. Your games will now come on small slimy sentient creatures that vaguely represent a seahorse crossed with a monkey. When the new storage medium is upgraded you can simply breed your games for instant upgrades (or mini-games)
Spotlight AC adaptor
Sony likes style, hell sony almost SPELLS style if you’re dyslexic or retarded. And they like to make the best looking hardware on the planet. So to exemplify their mission statement (To make the world sexier and to use memory sticks) The Ac adaptor for the wall plug also includes a flexible 2000 watt halogen spotlight to direct at the console’s highly reflective sexually deviant profile.
*Note: pointing the Spotlight AC at any object other than a Sony product will result in fragments of white-hot bulb glass flying into your pets and children.*
**NOTE:note::this may happen anyway Sony is a harsh mistress**

Microsoft Xbling 3

FREE Forklift!!
The Xbox has gotten smaller but with the increase in density and technology the next generation of xbox will weigh in the neighborhood of 7 tons, (right next door to Oprah! oooh) And you need some way to get it to your friends house short of forming a cadre of slaves to lug it.
Wireless Wired controllers
The current Generation of consoles feature wireless controllers, but what happens if you lose them? There’s no tracking down player two in your filthy hovel of an apartment, what’s a game geek to do? Well we plugged the parameters into Microsoft Logic 2009 (now with thinking!) and it suggested we tether the wireless controllers permanently to the console so you’ll never lose your wireless controllers,
*Note* Tether is 27 inches long and cannot be removed
Now with John!
As technology plummets inevitably forward, we are faced with more and more of a steep learning curve for the current wave of technology. Well focus groups have shown that people are comfortable with “Real People” And so the New Xbox will come with your very own Microsoft Technician. They have all been brainwashed and named John for your convenience. John is very helpful and not allowed to stray more than 3 meters from your console, he also can survive on sawdust for several weeks at a time.
Media Connected Pre-viewer
With Xbox already becoming a media hub in the home, we’ve taken it one step further. Instead of old fashioned “Tivo” functionality. The new Xbox will actually watch TV for you and tell you what you want to watch! The commercials (and parts of the show) that Xbox finds ‘boring’ will be replaced with still images of Bill Gates vacation to India!

The Nintendo Embolysm (7th gen)

Will come in Fuschia…
Mauve and Taupe coming soon.

Well that’s all the time we have for today, we hope that this will give you all some perspective on the current trend of videogaming and realize that you don’t have to leap naked out your bedroom windows to buy the latest and greatest console. Because there’s always something overhyped and slightly better in the distant horizon. I guess in this sense, it’s like marriage. Gee I think we’ve all learned a lesson today. Don’t get married or stick your genitalia in a pre-4th generation console… Unless you’re married to the console.

-Dick

Every damn day. We all know the oppressive, addicting, internet-black-hole that is Myspace.

We all have friends on there, whether or not you know it, whether or not you’d like it, you’re on there, your friends are on there, and if you’re not on there, there’s probably a fansite dedicated to your genitals or sleeping habits or a creepy “naked photo blog” about you and your last 3 signifigant others. Trust me, you have ties to myspace. Which is fine… But.

I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU, Well most of you anyway. Coming from the standpoint of a web developer, maybe not the best one to ever walk the face of the earth or anything, but a web developer nonetheless, I’ve had to endure countless lectures and reading materials about “Good design” And let me tell you, “Good Design” is about 88 Trillion miles, a hop, skip, jump, and some change away from most people’s Myspace Profiles.

So Let me be more specific in my hatred, and tell you just exactly what pisses me off about bad myspace profiles.

#1: Music Videos (They’re not comments, they’re not fun)

 

Just to point out how annoying this current little trend is, I’ve included my own and it can serve as background music for you, and even if you’re playing music. Even if you don’t like this type of music. Even if you have 66 other myspace pages open each with their own 7 music videos on each page force feeding you the worst cacophony of late 90′s and modern pop you’ve ever heard, EVEN IF YOU’RE ALLERGIC TO MUSIC VIDEOS AND WILL DIE… too bad.

You see people found that they can drop some code in their page and get a music video to play (sometimes in windows media format, sometimes in quicktime – additional download to play) And at first it wasn’t that bad because it was only on their page, and if it really sucked you could usually just stop it because it’s probably right in front of you. NOT ANYMORE, now people leave fucking comments with music videos in them. COMMENTS!! They send messages with music videos or in some rarely retarded cases they put MORE THAN ONE on their own page. It’s gotten out of hand people, you have a cute little text box on the left hand side to write down what kind of shitty music you like. You don’t need to start streaming up my bandwidth with Britneys spears “pregnant sex mix” The reason boomboxes went out in the 80′s and everyone has mp3 players with headphones now is so that you enjoy 1000 hours of total shit and keep it to YOURSELF. Stop posting videos, anywhere, at any time, bad. (As a final fuck you to people that post music videos, you’re worse than that guy in the sea-foam green acura with a 7 foot spoiler bumping his 3 subs so hard you laugh at him for having a tiny penis.)

#2: Flash, Java, Scripts, Games, DIE!

Isn’t this fucking annoying?
(hover over this text to see what I mean)
It gets so much worse than this folks, there are huge flash games that take minutes to load, seven games on one page, a game where you save hamsters from imminent death, click on pictures of bunnies and red dots (okay the red dot one was funny) And they make noises and flash like they’re performing a mass murder on all epilectics. They’re posted on pages, comments, emails, your moms house, the face of the planet. They’re everywhere. People, I’m being very serious, I’m only going to say this once. They’re not cute, they’re not fun, they don’t make you look clever, and I will personally come to your house and soak you in kerosene and beat you with a pillow case full of bic lighters until you either burst into flame or die and then burst into flame. I hate people.

#3: colors COLORS colors #0066FF?

Hmm, now I’m a big fancy web designer, so I know I’m just being elitist here when I
say FUCK YOU. Red does not go with pink when it comes to
text. Black doesn’t go with dark grey, pink doesn’t go with bright green,
orange doesn’t go with brown, Text has to contrast,
but not so much that Tokyo shits itself people! You choose the worst bac
kground colors and text colors and link colors and things that just plain don’t make
sense. You’ll see fashion experts who work for Gucci and can spot a poorly dressed model at 300 yards sticking Bright pink
text against an even brighter pink background with lime green links and huge chunks
of floating letters in every color that the 80′s made illegal. Stop it, just stop, I’m b
egging you, we don’t really want to read your 17 page rambling teen angst profile, but if we chose to, the
text should be readable. If you need a guide, then you shouldn‘t be picking your
own damn colors, black and white, stick
with that. We might actually read your “Comicon
Cosplay Star Trek Blog” if you did (I’m lying).

#4: Comments are not your goddamned Email

Here are some Examples of comments I see all the time.

Johnfuckspig:	Hey Girl you’re totally right!
Btichassl9ser:	Wow that was cool I can’t believe you stuffed that in your mouth!
Anal Rective!:	That thing you commented me about was so fucking rad, we should talk more about that, oh and pick up some stuff at the store, and your mom called said she disowns you, and I got some more of those things you like that we only talk about in private (butt plugs!!)
PatheticTool:	Yes, no
Shitfucker:	Oh man this is better than email because the terse private indecipherable messages we toss back and forth like retarded primates can be enjoyed by everyone!

#5: Chain letters

Nuff said, they don’t come true and you have the IQ of a fucking baby carrot. I send back a Virus every time I get one to prove that bad things will happen BECAUSE of chain letters getting passed around, someone has to teach you pathetic bags of child-like urges.

#6:You (and your photos)

These things don’t work

1. An image the size of a postage stamp
2. An image of your pet or kid (let them get their own page)
3. An image of nothing at all! (point the camera at people or things)
4. An image so blurry you could be a badger or alien…
5. If you’re ugly, don’t post 20 pics of yourself almost naked
6. If you’re really pretty, post some more naked pics
7. We don’t care about your friends, they’re not ours, and if they are, they have their own damn profile… stop posting them for your pics.
8. Artwork (Yours or someone elses) go to an art site and stop shitting digi-art of fairies everywhere.
9. No Image, what are you a vampire? Casper? Immune to film? Take a photo asshole.
10. If you have 2 photos, but one of them is really really bad, just post the good one, I’ll forgive you for not having 2 photos. (or just post the bad one and I can ignore you completely.
11. Pictures from a webcam… no no
12. Pictures of celebrities, what the fuck is wrong with you?
13. A picture of you in the mirror, get some friends.
14. A picture of you holding the camera pointed at your face, get some more friends.

ugh…

I’ve pretty much ranted myself out here, so I’ll leave you with this little factoid, this small tidbit of information that may do you some good.

People always ask me why I don’t ‘spice’ up my profile more, since I’m a web designer and all, it could be really cool! Well here’s why. Someone who gets paid more than I do for web design made the myspace format and I happen to think it’s great. To top that off, from a plain old ‘designer’ standpoint, I have not seen ONE, not fucking ONE profile that even comes close to looking better than the regular profile. Does that cheer you up you fun little modders spewing design out of your bored gamer-holes? Let me repeat that, I’ve seen every one of your crazy black and purple modded video enchanced crazy profiles, and not a goddamn one is better than the REGULAR one. Switch to Default my friends, switch to default. You’re not that unique anyway.

- Adam A.