Dear Complaints Dept.,

About 7 years ago I found a coupon pressed between the pages of my favorite book titled “How Fat people make love with no social skills” This coupon was for a free McDonalds happy meal toy. I feel that this entitles me to a 7000 percent discount with your company and I would like 243400 Dollars credited to my account. I have never placed an order with you and refuse to do business ever again with you if you do not issue this amount to my credit card as of ten days ago. I am a New Jersey resident and not familiar with the internet (whatever that is) or any form of purchasing product for money as I was raised in a south bronx school for the disabled and have never worked a day in my life. I am very angry that this is my first email and you have still not responded as I am writing this, and I expect a reply within 23 seconds or I am requiring that you pay my student loans for Gimps community college as well, where I failed at becoming a hairdresser, which was my lifes ambition. I have to go feed my accent now as it is slowly swallowing my tongue. Please contact me by fed-ex or internet magic within 48 minutes or I will take my business elsewhere. YOU WILL BE SORRY!

Sincerely,

Magnodoodle Krazinskiowskilifyter

PS Where is the send button?

PSS nevermind

PSS my feet hurt, please compensate me for this as well

I have to clarify just how bad Ultraviolet was…Imagine The matrix performed as a Disney On Ice show. Now imagine there was a performance of Blade II (as Disney On Ice) scheduled for the same night, so instead of losing any revenue, they decided to just combine the shows, and run them simultaneously, hoping the performers wouldn’t collide with each other mid ice.

Yes, it was that bad. True, the story line was sub-par for even adult entertainment, and the acting would have made Thomas the Tank Engine look like a masterpiece, but I didn’t see the movie for plot, or acting. I went to see a stupid action movie, and it even failed on that front. There was not one single fighting sequence that made any sense at all, and even if you ignore the logic, and focus on the pretty flashing lights, it still just doesn’t seem right. The director used every opportunity possible to make Mila Jovovich do this stupid little duck and twirl thing (ref. Disney On Ice) that magically seems to evade all bullets fired at her, and confuse even the most deft swordsman. Oh yea, the swords… Any movie set in the future, or any other technologically advance world that has any use for swords at all, has got to do a pretty good job of explaining why they use swords. Star Wars did a pretty good job of this, but Ultraviolet did no such thing. There was really no good reason why one of the hundreds of nameless henchmen couldn’t have just shot Mila in her shiny leather ass when she was busy sword fighting his buddy. Oh yea, I forgot, she would have just used her magical duck and twirl to dodge the bullet.

Posted by Briggs on Saturday,
March 04, 2006 at 3:17 PM

There was a time when one could count on American TV channels being consistent, consistently crappy, but consistent nonetheless. There was a time when, for example, the Travel Channel mostly showed travel-related programming instead of a shit-load of poker. The Learning Channel used to air programs about nature and science, not hours and hours of house pr0n. American Movie Classics just ran two weeks worth of James Bond movies. Not the reasonably good Pierce Brosnan ones or the slow, old Sean Connery ones. They mostly showed the drug-induced, hyper-campy, 70’s Roger Moore ones. American Movie Classics? Let’s see, those films were British produced, and pretty goddamn far from classic (unless you’re stoned) but they are movies. Sadly, one out of three isn’t bad for TV channels these days.

Bravo used to air high-brow, thoughtful programming. Now, their most popular show features a bunch of gay guys teaching clueless, straight, white slobs how not to be such pathetic fucking retards. Of course! All gay men exist for is fashion and interior design advice. Way to push the envelope and break down stereotypes, assholes. If I wanted to see tired gay clichés, I’d watch some network sitcom drivel like Will & Grace. Bravo, dipshits!

Speaking of shitty network shows, why are all the leads on network dramas cops, attorneys, in the military, or doctors? Are there NO other interesting jobs? It’s like the network executives signed some sort of satanic pact where Lucifer granted them twelve inch cocks, millions of dollars, a garage full of exotic sports cars and a harem of hot women but if they green-light any show where the leads have a different job, it all disappears in a cloud of smoke faster than most of the fall lineup.

Then there are movies on TV. I don’t know who the critics are that determine the number of stars that a film receives but I am reasonably confident that they smoke PCP, drink a pinto of whiskey and eat shrooms before they head off to the office. In my local newspaper’s TV listings, for example, Final Destination 2 received two stars out of four. So, that means that it’s half as good as a classic like The Godfather or The Shawshank Redemption? I think not. Final Destination 2 is not even one-eighth as good as those films and the writers should be forced to take screenwriting classes at UCLA or AFI and publicly apologize to everyone who has had to watch this film. What merits a one star review – Manos: the Hands of Fate?

Wait, it gets worse, Smokey and the Bandit received three stars. I feel that it’s necessary to repeat that statement in all caps. SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT GOT THREE OUT OF FOUR FUCKING STARS! Remember how I said I was reasonably confident that the critics that rate movies for TV listings were high? Now, I’m 100% certain that they’re sparkin’ the rock! What possible framework for critical analysis could possibly result in Smokey and the Bandit getting the same number of stars as Traffic and The Fifth Element?! The critics’ criteria must be tits and car crashes.

Next, we have digital cable and satellite coming to the rescue. Old, analog TV signals were far too stable! Analog cable hardly ever has problems. It isn’t dependent on bandwidth. You’ll never get pixilation like with digital cable. You never get a shitty signal due to various atmospheric phenomena like with satellite. In short, it isn’t broke. This, of course, to the executives, means that it’s time to fix it. And by “fix”, I mean ass-rape consumers with a 16” dildo made of dry ice and wrapped in razor wire. So replacing analog cable, which works fine, with digital cable, which doesn’t, is a vital service upgrade and benefits us? Yet giving consumers the ability to order only the stations they want isn’t feasible? Thanks a lot, pigfuckers.

As if in a misguided response to all of these problems, the FCC is mandating that all broadcasters must begin broadcasting in HDTV by December 31, 2006. As if that’s the big problem with TV, that the picture isn’t sharp enough. The problem isn’t the picture; it’s that almost everything on TV is fucking awful! HDTV turns shit, into slightly sharper, clearer shit. From horrid “Reality TV” to the 5th spin-off of Law and Order to, what are we up to now, CSI: Tacoma? It’s a god-awful wasteland out there. There are a few bright spots on Comedy Central, The Cartoon Network and the Discovery Channel but on the whole, TV is the herpes of American culture. It’s unpleasant, it’s very common, you can’t get rid of it and it harms everyone it touches. If only the FCC could mandate that broadcasters have to beam out programs that are well made and thoughtful… well, I guess then there REALLY wouldn’t be anything on.

 

Posted by Steve on Saturday,
March 04, 2006 at 1:30 PM