Many of you have heard the recent announcement regarding Dead or Alive the movie, based off the beloved (by some) game fighting series featuring large chested women. Which is a little mind blowing, because up until 2004 it was absolutely mandated by law that movies of this caliber were to be played on USA UP! all Night, crammed between Porkys #24, and The same three ‘Car Wash’ Movies played for eternity. But apparently America has grown to like breasts more (or they’ll throw buckets of money at anything) because now there’s a multi-million dollar movie contract.

But this all old news, the focus of today is the Dead or Alive: Xtreme Beach Volleyball game is getting a sequel. Known by people who have never gotten laid as DOA:XBV (Tecmo coincidentally is entering the Worlds Most Convoluted Acronym Contest Ever, Put on my our friends at WMCACE:USA/gg/LOL/STFU!) Not only does this sound like the worlds most intellectually devoid game of all time, but it IS! We’re assuming the conversation at Tecmo went a little something like this.

Marketing Guy: Okay boss, we’ve got a great idea to expand the DOA franchise.

Tecmo Manager: Great, let’s hear it.

Marketing Shill: Okay, here’s our idea *deep breath* We take the all the girls from Dead or Alive and drop them on a desert island, where they’ll play and run around and we’ll have them in skimpy bathing suits, and they’ll prance like retards and splash water on each other and perhaps we’ll even put in some sort of volleyball game to the make the tit physics work better and convince people we’re not just selling an anime porn simulator, What do you think?

Tecmo Manager: Isn’t that the exact premise of DOAXBV?

Marketing Assmonkey: Yeah! But we’ll call it part 2 and put it on the PS3.

Tecmo Manager: Brilliant!

Marketing Child Rapist: Thank you sir, here’s the contract and a cookie.

Tecmo Manager: oooh! Where do I sign.

And so on. This I assume is actually for the format for almost any conversation in a japanese gaming company for a new product, except sometimes they don’t get a cookie. But that’s why they work harder than us. Anyway my point being, does the world really need another, higher resolution, more tit-filled sequel to a game about Triple-D Fighting whores playing volleyball and slapping each others asses? While yes it could very well be that this is a total neccesity, feel free to comment, Is it stupid, fun, perfect, game-porn, or some combination? Your opinions don’t matter in the least, but we’ve love to make fun of them, so send away.

The Bounce, keeps bouncing back (I love their tagline)

Posted by Adam on Monday,
May 01, 2006 at 3:17 PM

Let me sum up here, The crew of GamerNode.com and myself are currently in Los Angeles. By hook or by crook a staff of roughly 12 writers, managers, photographers, and canadians managed to get here by plane, and carpool on a budget of none to cover E3. It’s been a long, hard road, a glorius week, a bonding experience and sort of like that itch under your balls that’s too far back to scratch so you just wobble in your seat and the girl next to you stares and thinks you have herpes.

We arrived last Monday, (some were here earlier,) And planned and fucked around and ate pizza. The Show itself was a blast, an absolute maelstrom of video games, screens, booth babes, free shit, interviews and walking around in constant circles. Speaking of which I’m convinced the LA convention center was invented by a co-op between the Rubix Cube inventor, Lucifer the prince of Darkness and M.C. Escher, apparently you can actually walk in a perfect square and end up in Minnesota, but if you turn around and re-trace your steps you’ll actually be in the center, then the roof almost simultaneously, needless to say this building is harder to navigate than Bermuda.

Not only was it hard to find your way around, but I for one am fucking sore, there was so much standing, waiting, walking, standing, waiting, that it felt like you’d played 83 rounds of DDR on Extreme Japan Fag mode while wearing bricks with thumbtacks in them. But I’m off topic, the wet dream of every kid who’s ever known the contra code, who’s ever actually beat ikari warriors, who’s ever made the ROB Nintendo Robot look like he’s jerking off a plaster bust of Jesus (but I digress), is E3.

E3 stands for the Electronic Entertainment Expo, or possibly the Expounding Entropied Emu’s. There’s really no way to make that funny. What is funny is that it’s just about the worlds biggest video gaming convention (and there’s no way to make that sound sexy) and it’s sexy. We saw stars like Steven Spielberg, Paris hilton (cum stains and all), Adam Sandler, Hideo Kojima, and that Japanese guy who screams and throws ice cream on the hit show “Japanese people are seriously fucking disturbed”. We got to see promo’s of upcoming games, consoles, hardware, peripherals of all shapes, sizes, quantity and quality.

Some of my favorite items were the SplitFish Pig-fucker (working title) which is a way to make using console controllers for First person shooters seem like a good idea by sheer shit comparison. (it’s basically a split controller with laser sighting and 2 ps2 joysticks.) The Fanatec steering wheel controller which wobbled and made a makeshift steering wheel, the Emagine head tracking VR helmet, so you can make people on airplanes think you have epilepsy AND no social life. And other such sex-preventing toys.

Software wise, there was the very impressive Crysis by EA, the disappointing Battlefield 20,420,200,03.03. Disgaea 2 for strategy goodness, god of war two, where a muscled man in a loin cloth jumping around like a gibbon and wrestling mythical creatures, ISN’T gay. The PS3 demos were right in the middle, some awesome, some crap. Squaresoft has actually done me a favor, by confirming that it’s just not my imagination that they’ve recently hired a bunch of chocobo worshipping, tight lipped, lily padded cocksuckers. Half the crew knew nothing about the games, and the other half made it their life’s mission to keep you from taking pictures or accidentally learning something about their solid gold game franchise spin-offs.

Nvidia’s booth was cool, Sin episodes was cool, The booth babes were not up to their wonderful slut antics but there were at least 3 or 4 buxom beauties that you’d stab your grandmother in the face with a running hedgetrimmer to get a chance to get your greasy gamer hands on. The swag was cool for us, but sadly lacking from previous years by all reports… (Sony I’m looking at you… You Yo-Yo dishing shit cannons) lots of little trinkets, t-shirts, knick-knacks, but no flame throwers or Xbox branded dildo’s.

The week has drawn to a close, E3 has drawn to a close, we’re all leaving tomorrow AM, to our various places around the country, including a few of us to the Godless neighbors above Canada (cough… Ian) Who know what i’m talking Aboot. This has truly been a bonding experience for all of us. The GamerNode crew as a whole has a renewed sense of purpose, a reinvigorating kick in the nuts of comraderie, and a newfound respect for all their peers in all their aspects of making this company great on sheer willpower. I think everyone one of us will look back with great memories and a profound respect for everyone who took the time and money to make it down here. Except Ian, he’s from Canada.

So with no further ado, I salute you GamerNode (check out the new site at www.gamernode.com ) and it’s many members even the ones who couldn’t make it this week. And for all of you who read this, and gamernodes site. It was a total blast and we’ll all be here with bells on for the next E3 without a doubt. So that’s some Steve Harcum in your eye.

Posted by Adam on Monday,
May 01, 2006 at 3:17 PM

Some of you may be familiar with the Dead or Alive fighting game series, whose intense focus on epically busty women beating the shit out of each other in a myriad of creative fighting styles has of course made it huge worldwide (especially in Japan where they can pretend the red-headed Triple-D Ninja is 14). All of this is great. No really, I love titties and fighting games, it’s a match made in heaven.

But then I find out that they’re making a movie. WAIT! Before you gag violently and start loading the guns, it’s NOT Uwe Boll. (He’s probably buying the movie rights to Bubble Bobble casting Keanu reeves as the Cannon) But it’s not much better than that. The Director “Japenese randomfucker” has decided this is what he wants his 98 minute film career to be remembered by. That and maybe peeing in the mouth of a congress-woman. But you gotta have goals.

I’ve seen the trailer, and basically the best comparison you can make it Charlie’s angel’s with less talent, more fighting, a lower budget and slightly more breasts. I can’t imagine wanting to pay money for this travesty without the absolute guarantee that one of the C grade actors (with the Exception of Jamie Pressley who must have thought her role in “My name is Earl” was too classy and needed a downgrade,) would blow me while doing a backflip. As this is about as likely as this movie being even ‘decent’ we won’t hold our breath too long.

From what I gather the plot is somewhere along the lines of “In a strange place, on a beautiful island made of ninjas and volleyball courts, these glorified Tit-Pedastals will attempt to act and maybe even fight with a number of faceless and uninteresting charactors sharing the names of your favorite players from the game.” (Which by the way has no spoken plot beyond FIGHT and YOU WIN/LOSE and “I WILL DEFEAT YOU” ad infinitum) They will probably even be in bikinis and their underwear!

While this whole concept is silly I’ll tell you what I see missing from this project – other than the obvious – BIGGER titties, they should just go balls-out with HUGE tit models attempt to kick each other while rubbing their erect nipples with flavored lubricant and moaning names in japanese. Or just 2 hours of naked porn stars playing volleyball and going Hiiii-ya! That would drop it squarely in the generic porn bin, where there’s at least a CHANCE I would be inclined to purchase it from. Instead of that bin in the back of Blockbuster where they sell overstock of Navy Seals, and All dogs go to heaven #4.

Needless to say, there will be titties and fighting and probably not a decent amount of either one in any quality. So if you’re 10-15 years old or Asian in any way, get your DOA jiggle fest on, in the theatres soon. The bounce is back, indeed.

Posted by Adam on Monday,
May 01, 2006 at 3:17 PM