When your bill comes back up to full price (40-50 bucks a mon.) then you call them up and basically say:

You: Hey I’ve always paid 30 dollars or so for service and it went up…

Them: oh that’s our regular price, we prey on the weak…

You: umm, odd. But anyway I had a lot of trouble getting signed up with you guys I’m sure you can see the notes on my account…

Them: *pretends to look it up, beats level 9 of minesweeper*  YES!! I mean yes, I do see that here.

You: Well I think with all the problems I’ve had with you guys and I didn’t know how much it would jump up to.

Them: Well it is our standard price, and you smell funny.

You: I what?

Them: Oh nothing… *cough*

You: Anyway – I saw a promotion in the mail the other day for even less than 30… can I have that.

Them: Oh (you hideous fool) that’s for new customers and/or TV cable customers.

You: I heard that, you just said “Parentheses hideous fool”

Them: I’m sorry ma’am you must be mistaken.

You: Look, Is there some promotion you can get me on or do I have to cancel and sign up again?

Them: Ah wait there is something *Level 10 minesweeper completion* Let me just check…

*The sounds of frantic typing while they stare longingly at a wall clock and cry silently* –

Them: Yes we have some promotion currently for 20-35 a month, will that do… smelly?

You: I took a shower

Them: sure you did, how’s the price?

You: Yeah I guess

Them: Great! I’ll just switch your pricing, this whole conversation has been a farce to make sure you really wanted it.

You: Wanted what?

Them: Please do not comment on my internal monologue ma’am, Can I help you with anything else today?

You: There is something very wrong here and I….

*click*

You: What the…

ELAPSED TIME: 11.3 minutes

Done Deal

Follow this dialogue exactly, even if they don’t

Living with girls is not illegal, but there are several irrefutable reasons it should be. As some of you know my name is Adam and I’m a human male. Ironically I’m named after the first man on earth, so its reasonably deductible that being created first (and in gods image) that for some fraction of time… Man was left unworried and unconcerned by the follies that women present by merely existing.

Now I know I sound like a neo-conservative touting womens inferiority. But rest assured, women are exceptional at many different things and can make babies like no man I’ve ever seen (except Capt’n Gov’n Schwarzenneger in the movie “Junior” which wasn’t very Republican of him). I believe in a reasonable balance between the sexes, men are probably better at fixing a toaster with a butter knife or getting punched in the face, while women can probably color coordinate, multi-task and minimize the pesky nuances of logic into silly hyperbole.

But the unfortunate but blatant truthfulness of todays title rears its ugly Font size 18 head. I made the decision roughly a year ago to let the dreaded female form into my living situation, much like the late Steve Irwin would allow a deadly spitting cobra into his lap, with little concern for danger and a silly accent. At first I had my misgivings, but the undefeatable power of my Loins(©) and indefatigable love-glands swept these concerns to the wayside, and for the most part, I haven’t looked back. However noting womens superiority in almost everything I don’t care to do, they do have their downsides:

1. Clothing (there’s a lot)

I’m not sure if you know this, but women are allergic to nudity. Its one of the reasons we so rarely get to the see the nude and female form up close and personal (or its your breath). So they inherently know that they are at their most vulnerable when they are not swathed in clothing of all shapes and sizes. The subconcious compensation for this is to spend the better percentage of a lifetime from POM (Point of Money, or when girls become Women) buying cubic meter upon cubic meter of clothing and clothing related objects.

Some women, and in particular the specimen I have the joy of observing daily, can assess up to 300 times their body weight — Which is completely and strangely indeterminate, I’m told — in clothing materials alone. There is also a strange phenomenom with shoes, and some foot-fear of wearing the same footwear more than 2-3 times ever. Needless to say the realization that you have enough clothes to outfit an arctic mining camp for several seasons is a daunting prospect.

2. Bodily Functions (not those)

Women are like rare and beautiful flowers, like a specific genus hitherto unknown in the scientific world. A flower that shoots blood, tears, and jewelry in every direction and random and unorganized times. So I guess they’re more like a biological weapon with fashionable shoes. They have the odd quality of pretending that certain other biological functions do not exist. Rather than get rude or overtly descriptive, suffice to say that women claim against all evidence that they do not process waste. However they will bleed profusely and describe it in all manner of filthy terms and definitives as their emotional state, which is self-described as “Fine… just Fine”.

3. Discussion (we have to talk)

As mentioned before, the focus of this endeavor is to hand-deliver the experience of living with one of those we call “Chicks”. This cannot be truly explained without experiencing it for yourself, much like a forced lobotomy. It truly defies description. One of the common elements while waking up, working, coming home, begging for sex, fighting your way through acres of clothes, and so on, is the feared topic of discussion. While you or I, the average Joe (or Janet) might discern, a discussion is merely an exchange of ideas leading to a desired outcome or compromise.

This is not neccesarily true for the femalica domicilius (or housed female) for when they come into contact with the opposite gender for extended periods of time, an odd effect can be realized. The convention of normal logic and argument become the bonded servant of emotions, whims, delicacies and quantum mechanics. Here’s an example of a conversation that can be observed in a mixed-gender household.

Male: Hi there, how was your day?

Female: Fine. And you?

Male: oh pretty good I got off around 6 and John called.

Female: Why is everything about you!!

Male: What?

Female: You’re constantly bickering with me, you hate me and think I’m fat.

Male: What??!

Female: Your feigned ignorance shows me how little you care!

Male: About what?

Female: So you admit it! You want me to die!

Male: I just said my day went fine… and then you… umm

Female: Oh just say it! You hate me and you can’t handle your emotions!

Male: Maybe, I don’t know, I just… sorry?

Female: That won’t cut it! Prostrate yourself before me and allow me to lay my nano-drones in your chest cavity!!

Male: What the?? Honey are you… *grrk*

Female: Bow before me mortal!! I will drain you of your life force and return it to the mothership for analysis.

**Keep in mind the previous conversation is a dramatic re-enactment, designed to reduce the level of violence and confusion for easier mass reading appeal. **