I like to inject a certain level of comedy and levity into almost everything that gets published here. However I think I can express my overwhelming rage and frustration in a way that may be amusing or at the least, informative. Let me start off by saying…

Best Buy is a bunch of Pig-Fucking Nazi Corporate whores who deserve nothing less than strangulation with their entrails.

I had the good fortune of attempting to contact Best Buy to see if they had a product available, because I was gifted with several “gift cards” over the holidays. I really wanted a GameBoy Micro, as I like retro gaming, and its the latest console put out by nintendo alongside the DS lite and the Wii (both of which they don’t have in either). It’s a common item but was not located on their website. I decided I’d give the store a call.

1st Call: Phone Menu annoying, transferred to games, phone rang 50 times. *hung up*

2nd Call: Called back, transferred to games dept, phone rang 60 times. *hung up*

3rd Call: Called back transferred to computer dept, informed that they don’t have it, but might be able to order it, transferred me to media, phone rang 50 times, *hung up*

4th Call: Called back, transferred to computers, transferred to media, They cannot order it and the only nintendo console they carry AT ALL is the Gameboy Advance SP in PINK… Asked if I could refund my gift cards, transferred to customer service, phone rang 50 times, *HUNG UP*

5th call: Called back, transferred to computers, asked for manager, transferred…. phone rang 50 times, *HUNG UP*

6th Call: Called back, transferred to computers… phone rang and rang *hung up*

7th Call: Called Best Buy corporate office, waited on hold 20 minutes, reached directory, was transferred to complaints department, *Call dropped unexpectedly*

8th Call: Called Corporate – Waited 20 minutes to reach switchboard, transferred to complaints again….. waited FORTY FIVE more minutes to reach someone. Finally Sassy bitch picks up the phone and I explain everything, and that I want to lodge a complaint against the Santa Rosa store, and that I just want to refund my gift cards. She tells me to wait on the complaint (for no reason) and tells me I’ll have to get the receipt for the gift cards from the people that GAVE me the cards. I told her I’m not bugging people that gave me gifts, she says too bad. I ask for supervisor. *CALL IS DISCONNECTED*

9th Call: Called Corporate…. waited 20 minutes *slammed down the phone in a fit of burning rage, punched my desk, knocking over several pen holders jumped up and hit knee on same desk, knocking down the remaining pen holders then I actually spit in the garbage can, on the off chance there is a god and he can open a portal in my trash can that will carry my rage-flecked saliva through space and time to land in the eye of the CEO of Best Buy and cause him to miss a vital turn in his Ferrari, flying off the edge of dead-mans-curve and into the 3000 foot ravine where his flaming car is crushed against his dessicated body and he can only reach the speed dial #1 on his cell phone which sends him to best buy customer service where he slowly chokes to death on his own blood and bone chips while listening to the cheery and endless fucking HOLD MUSIC OF BEST BUYS INFINITE FUCKING PHONE SYSTEM!!!

Rather than place the 10th call in this farce of a fucking customer service system. I’ve opted to actually GO TO THE FUCKING STORE, where I’ll inform the manager of the SANTA ROSA, CALIFORNIA store, that they’re a bunch of fucktards and that I will use my gift-cards on a low-profit item, simply so they dont’ get the satisfaction of the free money from the poor souls that had to wait in their horrid fucking lines and get frisked on the way out by the handy “Everyone’s a shoplifter – Receipt Checker” Asshole waiting by the door, to give me a gift card to what is apparently the worst fucking run company on the face of the earth.

I don’t know if you’ve seen the best buy cards, they’re actually fairly sharp and dangerous looking, I may be able to fashion a cannon to fire best buy gift cards with deadly sniper accuracy into the store-front where it will tear through their flamingly retarded anti-bathing group the GEEK SQUAD who will have to call tech support to see if bleeding is an issue they can deal with. Or if decapitation requires a patch or a new head.

SHIT FUCK GODDAMMIT PISS COCK MOTHERFUCKR FUCK FUCK FUCK RETARDS ASSHOLES DICKS SUCKS DICK MOTHER FUCKING ASS RAMMING ANUS SPREADING SORES ON THE FACE OF THE FUCKING EARTH SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE AND ALL THAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD CHOKE ON THE VOMIT YOU SPEW AT CUSTOMERS BECAUSE YOU SHOULD EAT SHIT AND DIE SLOWLY OF SHIT POISONING WHILE FUCKING YOUR MOTHER TO DEATH WITH A STEEL ROD FOR BIRTHING YOUR UPBEAT BOTTOM LINE MARGIN LOVING ASSES.

I feel better now.

I’m often consulted as the worlds fore-most leader on the origins of the Christmas Holiday. I’m also consulted for ways to make the perfect omelette and where to find a picture of Britney Spears Vagina. But assuming you’re wearing pants and you’re not making breakfast, you want the skinny, the facts on Christmas and I’m here to give them.

1. Christ + Mass = Energy

The name “Christmas” is in itself an equation, created by famed mathematician Andrew Lloyd Gershowitz in the year 380 bc. Some of the earliest mathematicians couldn’t find a way to integrate science and religion. This being well before the ‘creationist theorem’ which was invented by apes in the late 14th century and largely held to be scientifically ‘dumb’. So Gershowitz’s theorem or “Gershie’s guess” Is that Nativity and relativity could co-exist through the simple concept that Jesus was in fact, a number. As this is largely before the supposed birth of Christ, no one could contest this long-standing theory.

2. Jews and You’s

Some of us sit in our caves and hovels around the blessed time of year resenting those blasphemed Zionists who light the menorah. Semites, or the “Chosen People” choose to forgo the idiosyncrasies of Christmas by having a week-long holiday of gifts and cannibalism. These people are widely considered by the religious populace as very wrong. Nevertheless, few people know what a pivotal role the Jews play in our beliefs in Christmas. If the Jews hadn’t (over)paid several dozen Roman soldiers to desecrate and crucify Jesus, he would in fact be alive today and all our presents would go to HIM on the day of his greedy, greedy virgin-birth.
3. The Big Tree

Many of us have enjoyed the age-old tradition of going into the snowy wilderness, finding a beautiful and sturdy Pine (or Douglas Fir) And Beating it to death in front of its Tree-shaped babies before decapitating it and dragging it home on the ski-rack of our collective Volvo station-wagons. This tradition can be traced back as far as 2000bc, well before the advent of Christmas, when our ancestors would bring home trees in the hopes of mating with them, generally in an un-successful fashion. However to this day we still attempt to ‘whore out’ the dilapidated Pine with enough glitz and tinsel to make Marilyn Monroe blush, hoping to someday gain its favor (sexually).

4. Saint Klaus

Almost directly associated with the Christmas Holiday is the Obese Demon called Santa Claus. Santa was in fact a real person living in the early dark ages in Northern Europe. While he is typically presented as a Jolly-yet-Obese Man in Red, he is better known by educated historians as Saint Klaus, the Bloodsoaked Mass Murderer of Britannia. Whose modus operandi included climbing through the chimneys of innocent families, Raping their Pine trees and devouring children in front of their parents. While he wasn’t actually known to wear clothes, prior to his capture/hanging by the townsfolk of Callantina. His cheerful red outfit was inspired by the spattered gore of his victims forming his only body covering… Still to this day he remains a potent and meaningful figure in modern myth, to show children the price of being “Naughty”.

5. The Future of X-Mas
Having covered the roles of Judiasm, the Origins of the Christmas name, and how it came to be, we’re faced with the question of the Modern Holiday and how it has changed over the years. We no longer celebrate the same traditions of the season as our predecessors of ancient times. For instance, the opening of presents used to simply be the exchanging of compliments between family and friends. This eventually became a process of exchanging goods when there simply was nothing good to say about the rotten bastards you live with, creating a more consumerist approach to well-being. In recent times the very mention of Christmas has been deemed somewhat ‘Politically incorrect’ but mostly by Fascists, Jews and Republicans. No the deep-rooted traditions of Christian gift exchanges supposedly delivered by a freakish cannibal to show our love to those we care little about, are showing no signs of stopping now. So I urge you to spread the Joy of the coldest (and deadliest) season of the year, but finding people of all cultures and religions (other than Catholic/Christian) and ramming a thoughful present into their non-believing heathen faces.

Tis’ The Season