Archive for March, 2007
8-Bit Dating Service (part 2)
Posted by Adam in Front Page, Gaming Humor Wednesday, 21 March 2007 19:40 6 Comments
“PacMan Wants a Mistress” [Email PacMan]
Age: 48
Home: PacCity, Illinois
Eyes: Giant and Black
Hair: None
Weight: 300lbs
Height: 4′00″
Marital Status: Widower
Children: They’ve all gone off to maze college.
Occupation: Retired Pellet eater and ghost chaser/chasee.
Education: 4 Years of Maze college and All-state Track champion (83)
Interests: I enjoy Buffets, eating pellets, occaisionally fruit. I love to EAT.
About Myself: I’m retired now, but I feel like I’ve done my part (a million times over). Hunting ghosts and eating a hell of a lot of pellets. Thats what things were all about back then. Eating pellets, running away from the ghosts. But that just doesn’t interest me anymore. I think I’d like to open my own pellet shop some day and settle down, stop all this running around.
About My Perfect Match: I’m looking for a older gal. I used to be married but Mrs. Pacman was taken from us in a horrible ghost chasing accident… I don’t really like to talk about it. But if you like wearing bows and eating, then look me up anytime.
“Yoshi Wants to Lick You” [Email Yoshi]
Age: 20
Home: Yoshi’s Island, Snes city
Eyes: Green/Black
Hair: Spikes
Weight: 333lbs
Height: 6′9″
Marital Status: Single!!
Children: None.
Occupation: Mighty Dinosaur Steed, Egg Layer (weird I know).
Education: I have an 8 foot tongue.
Interests: I like to exercise, try new foods, any and all kinds of food. I love to party and I’m looking to party with YOU.
About Myself: NO, I don’t think you’re understanding me… I have an EIGHT FOOT TONGUE. I can pick you up with my mouth. We can’t let this go to waste. Call me, we’ll hook up you can go for a ride on the YOSHI TRAIN awww yeah I think you know what I’m saying. I also sometimes lay eggs, I’m still a guy though, its just a Yoshi species thing… Don’t let it bother you.
About My Perfect Match: I’m looking for someone who likes a little tongue action (or a lot). You should find dinosaurs sexy and probably no gag reflex would be a plus. Please no men calling! Yes I lay eggs, but I am in fact… MALE and hetero. (Trust me I’ve heard every joke you can make about making men ride me).
“Giant Apes Need Love Too” [Email Donkey Kong]
Age: 36
Home: Millstone Mayhem, DK Country
Eyes: Black
Hair: Everywhere
Weight: 527lbs
Height: 7′3″
Marital Status: Single – Never Married
Children: Donkey Kong Junior was adopted…
Occupation: Giant Ape / Tie Model.
Education: Barrel Throwing Certified…
Interests: I like throwing barrels, kidnapping the occaisional princess, a bit of rope climbing. Hanging out with my partner Diddy Kong.
About Myself: This has taken a long time to come to terms with. I’m Gay. There I said it. I love men, big hairy, oversized and over-sexed men. This is something that caused a lot of pain in my life until I came to grips with it. I came out last year, and gramps was NONE too pleased. It strained things with my best friend Diddy Kong, because he kept remembering all those times we were pressed together in a mine kart for hours at a time… Hee actually I remember those times too.
About My Perfect Match: I’m looking to experiment. I really want to find myself. I’m a big hairy sub if you can believe it and I like to be dominated. King of the Jungle I’m NOT. But I’m new to the whole scene, I’ve spent too much time in the Jungle and not enough at the clubs. So I want to go out, dress up in my favorite tie and love EVERYBODY.
Conversations In Hell
Posted by Adam in Front Page, IMprov Thursday, 15 March 2007 15:27 1 Comment
[13:59] Brendan: my life is in danger… I need $23,000,000 in diamonds by 9:12pm tonight
[14:00] WeaselBringer: I have 22,222,033 in diamonds, some in oil stocks, I’m about 200k short total, I had to kill 3 people, we may need to hide out after this
[14:01] WeaselBringer: btw whats it all for
[14:02] Brendan: in-n-out burger
[14:02] Brendan: I ran up a small tab
[14:02] Brendan: now the in-n-out goons are after me
[14:04] WeaselBringer: i just killed 3 people… and stole the klopland diamond and had it cut and fenced by 7 internationally entwined enemy forces and called in 3 favors from the pentagon to get an attack helicopter to deliver it all to you at 9:11pm …. for your burger tab?
[14:05] Brendan: I made a mistake
[14:06] Brendan: what can I say? I’m sorry
[14:06] Brendan: it won’t happen again
[14:06] Brendan: I was in line
[14:06] Brendan: ordering
[14:06] Brendan: and as I joke, I asked what the maximum number of pattys they could put on a burger was
[14:06] WeaselBringer: oh my god
[14:06] Brendan: the guy said there was no limit
[14:06] Brendan: so I decided to test him
[14:06] WeaselBringer: do they put bread inbetween that, or is it just piles of meat
[14:07] WeaselBringer: the maximum should be based off their packaging sizes
[14:07] Brendan: piles of meat
[14:07] Brendan: and cheese
[14:07] Brendan: one would think!
[14:07] Brendan: but no
[14:07] WeaselBringer: If they claim they can make a 100 meat patty monster, it should have a super tall box to carry it out in
[14:07] WeaselBringer: or a truck
[14:07] Brendan: I had a burger with 28,000,000 pattys
[14:07] WeaselBringer: thats a lot of meat
[14:07] WeaselBringer: what did you do with it
[14:08] Brendan: I had a few bites
[14:08] Brendan: gave the rest to some homeless guy outside
[14:09] WeaselBringer: you mean you’re the guy who’s responsible for the 84 recorded homeless heart attacks in that area? apparently that guy shared the wealthy and I think you just racked up an 80+ death toll
[14:09] WeaselBringer: shows what being nice to the homeless will do for you
[14:10] Brendan: I thought something like that would happen
[14:10] Brendan: which is why I kick the guy square in the balls right after giving it to him
[14:10] Brendan: I figured mean cancels out nice
[14:10] Brendan: and everyone comes out a winner
[14:12] WeaselBringer: But you kicked him in the balls and then he died from rancid meat and blazing cholesterol levels… I think that’s a double-mean if anything. Possibly a triple
[14:12] Brendan: I gave him the gift of dead cow! He looked thrilled while he was curled up in a ball, bleeding from his penis
[14:17] WeaselBringer: You associate a plethora of emotions with ‘bleeding from the crotch’ I don’t think a single one of them is applicable
8-Bit Dating Service
Posted by Adam in Front Page, Gaming Humor Wednesday, 14 March 2007 16:11 7 Comments
“MegaMan seeks MegaWoman” [Email MegaMan]
Age: 27
Home: Robot City, Michigan
Eyes: Sorta Blue or yellow
Hair: Brown, but usually wears a helmet
Weight: 167lbs
Height: 4′10″
Marital Status: Single
Children: None unless you count my Robot Dog.
Occupation: Robotic hero designed to defeat Doctor Robotnik Wily, also a part time pastry chef.
Education: Got my GDE and have some college credits I earned at the JC on auto repair and electrician stuff.
Interests: I like Powering up my mega-blaster for ultimate fun! I love to jet ski, and snowboard. I sometimes run horizontally for hours on end shooting and killing small robots and insects.
About Myself: I am a well known superhero, I had a TV show in the 90’s that didn’t do so well, but my games have gotten more than a dozen sequels, most can’t say the same. I think of all the other 8bits out there, I’ve got the most ‘Staying Power’ also, I was designed with EVERY contingency in mind *wink wink*.
About My Perfect Match: I’m looking for a chick who is hot, Its okay if you’re robotic, organic, or cyborg. I’m open minded. I like to party and play hard. You must love power ups and mini-bosses. Oh and your favorite color HAS to be blue.
“Metroid looking for Metro” [Email Samus]
Age: 24
Home: Planet Metroid, Galga System
Eyes: Dark Green
Hair: Blonde
Weight: 132lbs
Height: 5′9″
Marital Status: Single
Children: None.
Occupation: Super Suited Heroine and arch nemesis of Mother Brain.
Education: Have been implanted with education surpassing yours.
Interests: I run both vertically and horizontally. I like rolling into a ball and dropping a lot of bombs. I’ve been known to do some acrobatics as well and I’m a crack shot. I also do a bit of light gardening.
About Myself: Did I mention that I can actually ROLL INTO A BALL? I’m not kidding, an actual ball, its smaller than me, I don’t even know how I do it, it doesn’t seem physically possible. Although I’ve found its a really bad idea after a Buffet. Oh I also run around in full combative battle armor at all times. The armor only comes off during the end of the day and on some holidays, or while escaping from an exploding planet.
About My Perfect Match: I’m looking for someone who doesn’t mind bulky armor. I like a guy who cuddles and isn’t intimidated by my collection of weaponry. I may have a freeze ray but I melt at the sight of puppies or those cute little flying brains with tentacles that aren’t evil, I want someone with similar tastes. Must love chinese food too.
“Princess needs a new Prince” [Email Princess Peach]
Age: 33
Home: Final Castle, Mushroom Kingdom
Eyes: Black sometimes Blue
Hair: Blonde
Weight: 127lbs
Height: 5′3″
Marital Status: Divorced
Children: One little mushroom at home, I’m a single mother.
Occupation: Former Damsel in Distress, Currently single mother in distress.
Education: Very little except basic ‘princess training’.
Interests: I like wearing big pretty dresses, getting kidnapped every 9 or 10 hours, and I sometimes like to float.
About Myself: I used to be married to a certain well-known shiftless layabout plumber. He ran through 20 kingdoms to save me and then I’d just get kidnapped again. After he knocked me up and I was kidnapped for the 23rd time, he just stopped coming for me. He sent his no good brother to bring me the divorce papers WHILE I WAS PREGNANT IN AN EVIL CASTLE. So yeah I’ve been jilted but I’m thinking there’s still someone out there for me.
About My Perfect Match: I’m looking for anyone who is willing to give me a chance. I’m still technically royalty so a prince would be nice but isn’t required. You cannot be a plumber/electrician of any type. I’m sorry the memories are just too painful. Take a chance and give my love life a 1-up.
Internet Detective Noir
Posted by Adam in Front Page, IMprov Tuesday, 13 March 2007 12:18 1 Comment
[11:48] WeaselBringer: We can’t keep meeting like this, people are starting to suspect things
[11:49] Kate: You shouldn’t even be talking to me right now. I told you not here.
[11:49] WeaselBringer: Well you don’t leave me much choice
[11:49] Kate: *sigh*
[11:49] WeaselBringer: What’s next a message in a bottle?
[11:50] Kate: I was hoping for a messenger dove.
[11:50] WeaselBringer: I know I’m taking a risk here, but its only to let YOU know that THEY know
[11:50] Kate: I know.
[11:50] WeaselBringer: I know you know
[11:50] Kate: They warned me about you. I should’ve listened.
[11:51] WeaselBringer: About me? You were the one with the reputation
[11:51] Kate: Oh REALLY
[11:52] WeaselBringer: Playing dumb isn’t your style
[11:53] Kate: Oh they all paid.
[11:53] WeaselBringer: one way or another
[11:53] Kate: Exactly.
[11:53] WeaselBringer: thats why I’m here… I’m getting the feeling we’re beating at deaths door in concrete shoes
[11:54] Kate: yes well…
[11:55] Kate: *light cigarette in a 2 foot long cigarette holder*
[11:56] Kate: *flick blonde finger waved hair out of my eyes*
[11:56] Kate: So…
[11:56] Kate: where does this leave us?
[11:56] WeaselBringer: With a pile of money almost as big as the ticket on our heads
[11:57] WeaselBringer: you me, this darkened dock at midnight, nowhere to go but here is dangerous
[11:57] Kate: Where are we gonna stash it all?
[11:57] WeaselBringer: I’ve got that covered, there’s a boat to costa rica and it leaves in 9 minutes
[11:57] WeaselBringer: I want you, the money, the gun, all of it… on that boat
[11:57] Kate: But what about Johnny!
[11:57] WeaselBringer: Some things are better left alone, your husband is one of those things
[11:58] WeaselBringer: I’m not being cruel, I’m doing the poor bastard a favor
[11:58] Kate: *one single angry tear burns down my left cheek*
[11:58] Kate: Says you.
[11:58] Kate: You haven’t lost anything.
[11:58] WeaselBringer: I gave up everything!
[11:58] WeaselBringer: I’m a wanted man, running scared for my life
[11:59] WeaselBringer: I’ll be lucky if I can be your consolation prize in costa rica
[11:59] WeaselBringer: if I survive the 200 things you put me through tonight
[11:59] Kate: *slaps you across the face*
[11:59] Kate: Get a hold of yourself!
[11:59] WeaselBringer: I suppose I had that coming
[11:59] Kate: Don’t think it’s the last time it’ll happen either.
[12:00] WeaselBringer: I know you play rough doll, otherwise this whole scam would have never started
[12:00] Kate: *smirk*
[12:00] Kate: Alright… we can stand here talking about it all night or we can just do it. Let’s get outta here.
[12:01] WeaselBringer: You always did have a knack for this sort of chicanery
[12:01] WeaselBringer: You’re right
[12:01] WeaselBringer: let’s leave it all for someone else to clean up
[12:01] WeaselBringer: *gunshot – holds bleeding chest*
[12:01] WeaselBringer: I guess not…
[12:01] Kate: *holds gun up smiling*
[12:01] Kate: Nice try.
[12:01] WeaselBringer: But we had a deal
[12:02] WeaselBringer: *cough*
[12:02] Kate: You promised me a lot of things and you never followed through.
[12:02] Kate: I’m just repaying the favor.
[12:02] WeaselBringer: You never *grimace* gave me the chance…
[12:02] WeaselBringer: You never trusted me from the start, I could have been saint andrews and you would have pulled the heater on me anyway
[12:02] Kate: Feel that burning in your chest? That’s what I’ve felt like since the first day I met you. You’re nothing but trouble… and the world is better off without you.
[12:03] WeaselBringer: Maybe so
[12:03] WeaselBringer: but that depends on how you look at it
[12:03] WeaselBringer: That depends on if you believe your money is on that boat
[12:03] WeaselBringer: And i’m not the double-crosser you shot me dead for being
[12:04] WeaselBringer: *dies axiomatically*
[12:04] Kate: *laughs heartily*
[12:05] Kate: *lights another cigarette and takes a long hard drag*
[12:05] Kate: *ashes on your face*
[12:05] Kate: *Johnny pops out of the shadows*
[12:05] Johnny: Comeawn, baby. Let’s go get a cup of coffee.
[12:06] Kate: But what about him?
[12:06] Johnny: Who cares. We’re rich.
[12:06] Kate: *dramatic music*
[12:06] Kate: And scene.
HardCore Rap Lyrics (Analyzed)
Posted by Adam in Front Page Thursday, 8 March 2007 12:10 1 Comment
Lyrics to DJ Webstar Chicken Noodle Soup
featuring Young B Just When You Thought It Was Safe. (This infers Webstars inherent
insecurity)
We're Back. (Not from WHERE, he's referring to the void) Voice Of Harlem, (To represent the massed voice of a section of people brings to
mind the Luther King "one voice" program) Kingdom, You Remember. (Rememberance is a continual tone through powerful poetry) I Got The Finest. Your Highness. (This claim to royalty places the artist in an elevated status) Young B. I Got Ma Man. I Got Ma Main, Ma Main, Ma Main, Ma Main Man (The use of random words repetitively strung together may be a sign
of an impending breakdown) The Party King. Webstar Lets Go. (Yea) Ya'll Already Know Who This Is. (Double assumption that we are familiar with this person, mild
delusion) We Got Another One. I Got Ma Nigga AG. The Voice Of Harlem (A contradiction leading to confusion as to who is THE 'voice of
harlem') I Ma Girl Young B. Ya'll Already Know What It Is (A reference to Young B as both a female and an object, possible
schizophrenia?) (And Let It Rain. Lets Go) Once Again (And Let It Rain Lets Go) (Lets Go) Its The Dj Webstar Let It Rain. And Clear It Out Let It Rain. And Clear It Out (The repetition is similar to the effects of autism or a severe
blow to the head... depending on the severity) Let It Rain. And Clear It Out Let It Rain. And Clear It Out And Lets Get It Lets Get It Lets Get It Lets Get It Lets Get It (The continued repetition definitely indicates some form of higher
brain damage) Lets Get It Lets Get It Lets Get It Let It Rain. And Clear It Out Let It Rain. (Dj Webstar) And Clear It Out Chicken Noodle Soup Chicken Noodle Soup Chicken Noodle Soup Wit A Soda On The Side (The coupling of 2 usually unassociated foods is another indication
of a lack of proper chemical and nutritional balance) Chicken Noodle Soup Chicken Noodle Soup Chicken Noodle Soup Wit A Soda On The Side Chicken Noodle Soup Chicken Noodle Soup Chicken Noodle Soup Wit A Soda On The Side (This seems to be a nervous tic, or "fixated phrase" very common in
autism) Chicken Noodle Soup Chicken Noodle Soup Chicken Noodle Soup Wit A Soda On The Side Let It Rain. And Clear It Out Let It Rain. And Clear It Out Let It Rain. And Clear It Out Let It Rain. And Clear It Out (The severe amount of repetition may actually indicate a "Mania" The
phrase 'clear it out' is clearly a cry for help) And Lets Get It Lets Get It Lets Get It Lets Get It Lets Get It Lets Get It Lets Get It Lets Get It (There is no way to tell what IT is, but its likely that IT is sanity) Let It Rain. And Clear It Out Let It Rain.(Repeated phrases - possible retardation?)
I Was On 119th In Lexington Black Sidekick On The Nexington (The possibility of made up words supports retardation theorem,
Note* look up "Nexington") Shorty Say Yo, I Look Left (Left brain syndrome, creative autistic reference) And Then I'm Like I Wanna Mess Wit Him (Violent tendencies point to a more complex problem) Let It Rain.(Let It Rain) And Clear It Out.(Clear It Out) Let It Rain.(let It Rain) And Clear It Out.(Clear It Out) (This infers Webstars inherent insecurity) Let It Rain.(Young B) And Clear It Out(WebStar) Let It Rain.(Yea Yea) And Clear It Out(The Voice) I Was On 114th At The Kingdom Game Ag On The Mike Doin His Thing. (One would assume the 'Kingdom' is a synonym for Heaven and that
'Mike' is a figurehead for God) Walked In The Park, The Screamin Ma Name Stop.....! Now Look At The Chain. (Easily distracted by shiny objects (retardation)) (Young B) Let It Rain. (Your Doin It Baby) Clear It Out. Let It Rain. Clear It Out. (And I Don't Know, Maybe) Let It Rain. Clear It Out. (Just Do It Lady) Let It Rain. Clear It Out. I Was On 4-5th In The Whippington. (*note - Whippington?) Ears Naked. Wrist Was Glissing Eyes Low Like I'm Blowing Piffington. (An Admission of homoerotic tendencies makes this more complex) Girls Talk Slick But They Whisperin (distrust of women supports above 'homoerotic' theory) Let It Rain. And Clear It Out Let It Rain. And Clear It Out Let It Rain. And Clear It Out Let It Rain. And Clear It Out (The severity of the repetition indicates this phrase has lost
meaning and simplpy provides an audible 'comfort sound') Let It Rain. And Clear It Out Let It Rain. Clear It Out Chicken Noodle Soup Chicken Noodle Soup Chicken Noodle Soup Wit A Soda On The Side Chicken Noodle Soup Chicken Noodle Soup Chicken Noodle Soup Wit A Soda On The Side (Chicken noodle soup is commonly associated with sickness,
perhaps he is slightly aware of his condition.) Young B, Webstar And GTOT Doin Our Thing.It Comes Naturally (Another homo-erotic reference?) We Gettin, So We Fly As Can Be So All Ya'll Wack Lables Stop Tryina Sign Me (A clear cut case of manic/delusionary autistic retardation with
homoerotic tendencies. This is confirmed by the assumption
that despite the fact that someone was charitable enough to let
this poor soul warble into a microphone, that others are
actually interested in 'giving him a record deal' is the clinch
on this already tepid tale. This man needs isolation and
probable shock therapy, he may be uncurable.)
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