Now I know that on CrotchMail we usually focus on general humor or video game humor, but I have to take a break from all that and tell you about Windows Vista. Actually from now on we’ll call it “Windows: Fucker” or just Fucker for short.

A few months ago, the release of Vista/Fucker caught me up in its hype with the promise of modern, fast computing for those that have the manly hardware to take advantage of it. As my hardware is as manly as they come, I thought to myself, here’s an Operating System for me! Something to keep up with my svelte lifestyle, oh dear cruel Lord above, how wrong I was.

Rather than re-hash the common gripes about Windows Fucker, let me give you a run-down of the lesser known game-killers that are known as “Vista Bugs”

1. Bluescreens a plenty. Not since Windows 98 has any operating system just simply failed to work, so frequently and so finally that it not only required a reboot but forced one. I Blue screen on average of 2-3 times a day during activities or even idle… YAY

2. Network Amnesia. A funny little Vista glitch is that it randomly forgets what computers are on a network. I have roughly 4-5 computers available on the network at any given time. However FUCKER will forget some of them, some of the time. Like an Alzheimers patient with 23 children, it simply can’t keep track of them all and just ignores different ones at random times. Need to get to a file on the Media Server? Too fucking bad, better luck next time, Fucker rolled the dice.

3. Games Glitching. Sometime in the last few weeks as a result of some update or another games just freeze up every 5 minutes. That’s right ANYTHING 3d accelerated just freezes, then reboots the video card, and then resume jerkily… EVERY 5 Minutes. It’s like playing on a computer thats below the minimum requirements, instead of – you known – being above the Maximum Recommended.

4. More Games! Oh yeah, some games just don’t fucking work… read this… DON’T FUCKING WORK.

5. Aero Glass. Most Peoples concerns about the Aero Glass interface (Read: Shiny see-through window borders and fancy effects) are based around performance. “Will My Dell with an on-board intel graphics chipset run Aero?” That type of thing. But for me apparently the Mish-Mash of horrible hardware that is “TOP of the LINE” causes Aero to crash my system EVEN more frequently than the aforementioned 2-3 times a day of bluescreening. I now run with Aero turned off, and it simply reduces the numbers of Instant crippling crashes… Fun!

6. Sound? Maybe. Get this, during certain times of what my computer considers “Turmoil” which is usually represented by a few things happening at once, like opening Notepad and Wordpad simultaneously, my sound will cut out. That’s right, no sound. The only thing that fixes this is a reboot.

7. Network… Pshaw. Much like it forgets which computers are connected, Fucker also forgets that its ON a network sometimes. There will be no Internet, no network, no indication of a problem and no indication that a network EVEN exists. The only thing that fixes this is a reboot.

8. Were you using that? My awesome 300 dollar wireless keyboard and Mouse occaisionally stop working. This is described on several Fucker Forums as a “Sleepy USB” glitch. Which means after a period of inactivity, it will forget that anything is plugged into that port and no longer recognize it, until it reboots. But don’t worry, it doesn’t happen all the time, just SOME of the time (randomly).

9. Oh Shit! Hey here’s a conundrum.  With somewhere around the highest overall performance score that Fucker can rate my hardware at, it’s slow. That’s right SLOW. Slow to open windows, Slow to run programs, Slow to boot, Slow to Shut down, Slow to transfer/copy/move/delete/view a file. When compared to XP some things are roughly the same, most are slower, nothing is faster that I’m aware of…. NOTHING.

10.  Multiple Repeatability. Now I know what you’re thinking. That’s YOUR configuration. YOU made a mistake or didn’t read some obscure linux hardware forum that explains that my exact mess of hardware is obviously a Vista/Fucker no-no. No my friends, thats not it either. First off, I am so much smarter than you that my brain-stem can materialize smart into bullets and shoot them so fast it will literally make you shit your sub-genius IQ Pants. Second, I have two completely different configurations of computers (three actually) that exhibit the exact SAME symptoms. The only saving grace is my laptop which suffers from only crippling slowness and network amnesia. But I guess thats the quality performance you get from Dell, So compatible with Fucker, its almost usable.

There’s a few more little things I could go into – Like the fact that it smells. It does. Vista has a scent. Its a stinky filthy whore. But in case you’re interested here’s what you can do to your Computer Specs too.

BEFORE VISTA 

Monitor: Dual 19-inch LCD’s

Hard Drive: 75gig Rapter 10k / 400 gig WD SATA

RAM: Corsair Ultra DDR (2 Gigs)

Input: Logitech DiNovo Edge Keyboard / Revolution MX Mous

Video: Nvidia 7800GT 256MB

AFTER VISTA

During my recent trips to the bar, I’ve noticed that the same types of people congregate there. Like there was a meeting I missed and the bar-god (I’d like to think his name is Drinkalthor) divvies up the freaks and geeks in the same proportions every night.

Despite having a hangover that actually introduced itself to me this morning, I’ve taken it upon myself to put forth the definable list of “people you meet at the bar” for your enjoyment, and to give my swollen brain an activity other than pounding.

THAT GUY

Meet "John Douchebag"

Age: Usually 21-25

Blood Alcohol Level: Stratospheric

Annoying Factor: 10!

THAT GUY is someone that we’ve all met. He’s usually not too bad looking and has just enough charm to appear friendly and enter the conversation without getting punched in the face. It all goes downhill from there. Like a rabid salesman, once his foot is in the door, he goes for the kill. He talks the loudest, makes outrageous demands, begs, borrows, steals, and pisses salt ALL over your game. Keep in mind the common “That Guy” has no particular target, except the closest pair of breasts. He simply fires cock-blockage in all directions like a giant ‘Salt Volcano’ of anti-sex. He is often named “John” – I have no idea why.

Drunk Slut Indeed

Drunk Slut

Age: 21-29

Blood Alcohol Level: 1.2 (varies)

Annoying Factor: 7

The drunk slut or “Slunk” comes in many forms. She is sometimes attractive and sometimes ugly as Satan’s asshole. But two things are a given. She is drunk and she wants it bad. She usually flirts outrageously with several guys from different cliques. She makes goofy comments like “I haven’t had sex in SO long” or “Someone give me a ride home”. She actually would do quite well in the capture of her beloved penis, if not for her penchant for far too many super-rich drinks. There is nothing less sexy than a girl orally ejecting maraschino cherries and bright-green midori like she’s auditioning for an exorcist sequel. The common Slunk usually ends up zeroing in her asshole radar and somehow selects the most morally devoid asshat in the entire place (see: THAT GUY) to take home and breed a new generation of welfare adoptee’s.

This is his Polite Face

Angry Dude

Age: 28-34

Blood Alcohol Level: 50%

Annoying Factor: 9

The Angry Dude has a problem with life. We don’t know what it is, we may never know, but he’s angry. This particular breed of bar-goer is deceptive. Much like the common chameleon, he may blend-in with the crowd, appearing somber or even friendly, before launching into a fitful and loud rage. Angry dude picks fights, he hassles the waitresses, he doesn’t tip and he starts conversations like he’s storming the beach at Normandy. He often becomes wildly contradicting denying or rebutting every statement put forth within his hearing range. Leading to such comments as “I’m not drunk, you’re a bitch”. He usually frames himself out of every theoretical social situation and either gets thrown out, or leaves in a dejected haze to punch photos of his ex-girlfriend back in his studio apartment that smells like bourbon and cigarettes.

Careful: She's Full of Snakes

Annoyingly Hot Girl

Age: 21-27

Blood Alcohol Level: A perfect .08%

Annoying Factor: 6

I know it sounds difficult for a woman to be ‘annoyingly hot’ but its there all the same. The AHG is usually dressed to kill, and is completely stacked and sure of herself. AHG’s sometimes move in packs and smoke expensive cigarettes and have cute purses. They seem to have no reason to be at a bar whatsoever, as they do not like to socialize, barely drink at all, and they usually sit silently in a corner with a disapproving stare. They occasionally get hit on when some guy or another gets up the courage to approach. This is a mistake. The AHG may look like a sex-goddess, but she is actually a deadly scorpion with huge breasts. Note the complete disemboweling of the potential mates confidence as he’s simultaneously given the ‘cold-shoulder’, the ’stink-eye’ and a complete dismissal. The only saving grace of the AHG is that they are pleasant from a distance and other than the slight chill they emanate, they will generally leave you alone if you play it smart.

Whiskey on the Rocks, I need to compensate hard.

Old School

Age: 25-35

Blood Alcohol Level: .08%-.10%

Annoying Factor: 6.5

Old School is the guy at every bar, who has been going to THAT bar since time out of mind. He’s immensely proud of the fact that he loathes every other bar in existence and practically lives at this one. He usually has a crowd of regulars around him and banters well with the staff. The Old School usually drinks the same drink over and over again and hits the same level of inebriation every time. At a certain point in time he will extol the sad state of the bar and explain how it used to be “so much better” than this and makes a loud point that the current crowd of boozers have “No business being here”. He essentially wants the bar to himself and as a result will become hostile to those around him when he realizes that it is not in-fact HIS BAR. Closely related to the Old-Schooler is the New-Schooler, who despite having never been anywhere else will reassure everyone around him that THIS is the best bar on earth.

Will You Be My Fwend?

Awkward Lurker

Age: 21-40

Blood Alcohol Level: .01%

Annoying Factor: 5

Awkward Lurker is always on the fringe of the conversation. He may or may not know anyone at the bar. Chances are you’ve seen him before and give him ‘the nod’ before moving on with your evening. He is known to lurk at the shadowy corners of the bar or is seen sitting at the table full of people, with his chair pulled back JUST enough, that you’re not sure if he’s actually sitting with them or not. He wants desperately to be liked and involved but lacks the confidence to take charge of the situation. The resulting social impotence is displayed by nervously shifting, fake-laughing, and occasionally wandering around to admire the woodwork or plants. He spends most of the night like a busy beaver, building a soggy dam of self-confidence. Then near the end of the evening he buys a round or asks to go along to a party, forcing everyone into the awkward position of wondering who the hell he is and gently denying him. While generally harmless, he sometimes oversteps himself and makes extremely tasteless jokes or kills the mood with fake sincerity. (Warning: Sometimes becomes Angry Dude)

Now you know,

And Knowing is Half the Bottle…