New York Punches you in the Face

I’ve spent a few months in New York somewhat recently, and lately I’ve heard a lot of talk about it. There seems to be a romantic notion of the big city, and every starry eyed young something or other is thinking about heading down there one of these days and really “experiencing” life. Well having been there and getting around and mingling for a few months, gave me a little bit better perspective than someone who just visited. It also puts me a step above people who have actually lived there for longer because once you fall into the NYC style of living it tends to change your viewpoints, so consider me an interpreter for the things that are Right and Wrong about New York, for people who have never been. Please keep in mind that I’m the absolute farthest thing from an expert (a wrongx-pert) but I get to share my experiences, because NOT YOUR BLOG BITCH!

Wrong: Fucking Cockroaches

Yes you’ve all heard stories and seen Joes Apartment, but in reality there are plenty of apartments in New York that are infested with cockroaches. I don’t mean in the pleasant way that you get ants back at home, where you lay down a line of salt or call some exterminator with his sissy bug-gun. I mean they’re here to stay, permanent godforsaken cockroach infestations that are so deeply mired in some parts that its simply a way of life. On the upside, they seem to have a balance with humanity, for instance when I’d walk into the kitchen I’d turn on the light BEFORE going inside, giving them time to scatter and hide so I could go in and pretend I didn’t have cockroaches, see? Problem solved.

Right: Everything Delivered

Everything can be delivered and I mean everything. Sure you can order Chinese, pizza, steak, sushi all to your door at 3 in the morning. But you know what else you can get delivered? McDonalds. Yes, I’m not fucking kidding. I don’t even LIKE McDonalds and I must have had them delivered two or three times because hey, you can. Not to mention that every conceivable food you could possibly want is both open in restaurants and delivery at any time of day or night. Feel like Brazilian? Thai? Get it to your door in 30 minutes by a sad faced Asian delivery boy and Enjoy!

Wrong: Homeless / Crazies

Now every equal rights group can jump down my throat here, but I’m from California, where we tend to breed a gentler and kinder hobo. Hippie kids and down on their luck war veterans are in both places, but let me walk you through a typical encounter in two scenarios. (Both true stories)

Streets of San Francisco – A man walks down the street on his way to work

Filthy Hobo: “Excuse me sir, can you spare some change?”

Upstanding Citizen: “Sorry I don’t have any”

Filthy Hobo: “Ok, god bless”

Streets of New York – A man walks down the street on his way to work

Extra Filthy Hobo: “GIVE ME A DOLLAR MOTHERFUCKER!”

Upstanding Citizen: aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

The homeless in New York have to break through the patina of complete focus that most New Yorkers seems to share, so they have to be ‘extra crazy’ and very loud and in your face to get your attention and most of the time they don’t get it anyway, so be on the lookout sometimes they bond into an akira-like super Hobo and crush Wall Street Lawyers.

Right: Culture / Night Life

Now that we’ve determined that you can be fat and lazy and order every kind of food to your door, there’s the little matter of walking out of it. To what? ANYTHING you could POSSIBLY want. New York is famous for every kind of club, disco, restaurant, fetish bar, sports bar, art gallery, museum, library, bookstore, movie theatre, dance studio, broadway musical on the planet. Want to shop? Gotcha. Want to Eat? No problem. Want to see breathtaking art and beauty? Okey dokey. Want to see some trees and greenery? Go to Central Park or go fuck yourself and you better hope its not winter.

Wrong: The Weather

This seems to be overlooked, you ever notice that half the movies about New York show it covered in snow and the other half show it as this bright sunny place? Well its neither. Every movie you’ve ever seen takes place on the two perfect and polar opposite days of the year that the weather isn’t shitting on you. In the dead of Winter it gets to TWENTY below zero. You might be like me, from California, or one of those other 2 or 3 states that don’t suck ass, and think to yourself, that’s not so bad. Because you’ve never experienced this whole “Below Zero” phenomenon. I’ll tell you right now, that when the temperature is a negative number, things change. Your face goes numb, your 23 layers of clothes count for shit and oh hey, you’re snow blind and fighting against gale-force winds. But then there’s summer, where the muggy hot shit-pool that is the east coast drifts upward to coalesce in New York making breathing as much fun as using your dirtiest gym sock as a gas mask in a steam room.

Right: Drive / Amibition / Fame

There’s so much going on in New York and so many interesting people that if you can break through the tough shell of the native New Yorker you can meet amazing and fascinating people. But if you have trouble meeting people here you might as well start punching yourself in the face and save the trouble of having New York do it for you. Its a tough crowd, but its an amazing crowd. There’s artists, actors, musicians, directors, singers, producers, the home of MTV, Rolling Stone, Comedy Central, and every crappy show that plays at night hosted by some guy who used to be funny. They’re all here. You will meet people with more drive and ambition and hope and fame than you can ever hope to achieve (yes YOU). You gotta play hard to keep up but it could be worth it.

Wrong: Money, The lack thereof.

If I think to myself (in overpriced California) that I would like to get a new apartment, or move, that I could simply save up a deposit and look around and find something in an area I like and go for it. In New York you pay in multiples of what you pay anywhere else. I lived in a cockroach infested shithole, where the elevator was shut down because it was a murder site, and the rent was 2500 a month. Not pesos my friend. Its not unusual to find people working 3 jobs and living in a dive trying to jump start their career as well. Unless you have an ASSLOAD of money saved up, and you’re either willing to work hard or have a job already you will not survive long. Sure there’s rooms for rent and deals to be had, but keep in mind you’re still working on a much bigger scale for a much smaller payoff than you’re used to. New York is one of the top 3 most expensive places in the world to live. Once you get out of Manhattan it gets a lot better, but then you’re scorned as weak and you will be preyed upon by the stoic and deadly New Yorker.

Well that’s my list of whats right and wrong in New York. Its got enough bad to scare anyone away and enough to good to attract anyone who’s a dreamer. But dreamers get that beaten out of them pretty quick. Still, if you’re willing to give it your all New York might be the place for you, at least now you have a better idea of what to expect.

(Title: La Slinkie)

Alas Poor Slinky,

Ridden with stair-like bounces,

and so damn silly

-

(Title: El Diablo)

Oh Hail Great Satan,

You are like a god to me,

and squishy-licious

-

(Title: French Stewart)

On Third Rock you Rock,

In life you are a failure,

Your hair is stupid

-

(Title: Forgetting)

Where is my car key,

The fucking couch is empty,

in my other hand

-

(Title: 3 words)

Overcomplicate

Unimaginatively

Codependency

We all remember the classic cartoons of our youth, whether they were brand new or, re-runs or just something we downloaded one day. The craze of Saturday Morning cartoons started a long time ago, and shows no signs of stopping. But sometimes when we think back to those original cartoons, like Looney Tunes and Hannah Barbara, you’re hard pressed to think of anything that had to do with the plot. Well I went back and looked at a few great examples and found out that usually the plot was minimal and barely formed at all. The excitement was all in the energy and that physical comedy, which is fine. But every now and again you’d see something truly odd or extraordinary, that probably can’t and won’t be duplicated today. Well in light of those great episodes of yesterday, I’ve included some Classic Cartoon Plots that will never see the light of day.

Road Runner

Theoretical Episode Title: Operation Bio-Hazard

Synopsis: The excitable coyote reaches the end of his rope after his latest ACME gadget sends him into a moving field-thresher operated by the damnable road runner. He bypasses ACME and contracts DARPA to create the ultimate roadrunner killing bio-agent called “Substance 5″, however his continual bad luck proves both infallible and fatal as the biological weapon only kills coyotes and Wile. E Coyote is heralded as the genocidal maniac who wipes out the entire population of coyotes on planet earth. The roadrunner, upon realizing he will never be chased again, becomes lax and is killed by a falling meteorite ironically made of several failed projects, that had been dumped in space, by the former Mr. Coyote.
Bugs Bunny

Theoretical Episode Title: The darling Mrs. Hathaway

Synopsis: Bugs Bunny’s sometimes laughable habit of cross-dressing and pretending to be a woman in order to seduce bald hunters, begins to get out of hand. Prompting several of his close friends to initiate an intervention in an effort to halt bugs’ deviant qualities before something goes very wrong. This tips Bugs over the edge as he tunnels to Vegas in tears and shame. There he becomes an exotic dancer by the name of Beatrice Hathaway and seduces a rich oil baron into marrying him. The honeymoon is punctuated by murder after the subsequent (and doomed to fail) consumation of marriage. Bugs is tried as insane but is eventually convicted of murder in the first, due to his former mob ties. He is subjected to the electric chair over 28 times before finally succumbing to a bitter death.

Scooby Doo

Theoretical Episode Title: The Insidious Carnival

Synopsis: Scooby and the gang are dragged into yet another mystery when the abandoned carnival in the middle of Spooky Ridge Colorado, suddenly springs to life, seemingly of its own accord. This is accompanied by several murders in the surrounding area of all the original founders of the Carnival. At first the evidence points to Shaggy as the culprit but then the plot thickens when the entire gang in indicated in the murder. A twist is revealed when they un-mask the old owner of the carnival as Mr. Barnaby, the adopted father of Daphne, however he is unfortunately killed proving that the real killer still at large. When it turns out Scooby Snacks actually contain an acute hallucinogen which had caused Scooby a rare form of canina dementia. It is revealed that Scooby master-minded the entire endeavor and was hiding his evidence by gorging on the corpses of the victims. He is put down and replaced by a Beagle.

The Jetsons

Theoretical Episode Title: Nano-Schmano

Synopsis: The lovable Jetsons in an amazingly prescient leap of logic, develop nano-technology on a super futuristic scale. Elroy injects these ultra-advanced nanites into himself and becomes an unstoppable and invincible killing machine. With the same fateful logic as purported in Isaac Asimov’s novels, the perfect machine decides that humanity is flawed and sets out to right the wrong of biology. Elroy imprisons his family and develops devastating future weapons using the factory at Spacely Sprockets as a starting point for human annihilation. Half the universe is wiped out before George gives his life to destroy Elroys robotic thinking center, the human race is set back thousands of years and the Jetsons are scorned as villians for the rest of eternity, with the exception of astro who is put down and replaced by a beagle.