Here’s some of my (almost) famous Quotes:

• Life is all about gathering enough boring stories to last you the rest of it.
• It’s like my father used to say to me, “Son, it’s time I told you about the Birds and the Bee’s – It’s called inter-species dating and I never want to catch you doing it!” Thanks Dad.
• It’s all fun and games and someone loses an eye!
• After I’m dead, I want people to remember me in a way they don’t remember anyone else. That’s why I’m dedicating my life to making a tombstone that flies around and makes dick jokes and can’t be shut down. It will be like I never left.
• Cannibalism is a redundant second word for Carnivore… it’s all meat, delicous delicious meat.
• People always come up to me and ask “Do you have the time?” I think that’s so racist.
• If I had to list off the 7 most important people in my life, 3 of them would be video games and one might still be left blank.
• It’s like I’m flying without a Kite, ya know?
• Prison isn’t that bad, I’ve stayed at places where the food was awful, I was afraid of getting stabbed, I couldn’t leave my room, and I had to PAY for it, and THAT was a hotel!
• I hit my spirit animal wtih a car, now I have a spirit carcass, which I draw on in times of great need. It doesn’t do anything but it makes me feel safe.
• When I was young and angry at my parents, I used to wish I was adopted. Now that I’ve gotten older and wiser, I realized that I’ve had it all wrong. I wish I was adopted… By Rich People.

Dude, Sushi is so complicated. Keep in mind, this is like an old-school Japanese documentary, but still it shows that we’re a bunch of dirty heathens.

Ironically if you were to make a video about eating at an American establishment it would be longer and require the many different ways that we are obligated to be rude. Here’s my list of American sytle dining guide:

1. Enter the establishment by knocking open the door with your knee (or beer gut if your not as limber as you used to be). Make sure to do it swiftly so to catch any unaware people with the hard edge of door-shaped justice for existing in your space.
2. After you have entered make sure to spot anyone standing idly and question them with a firm “You work here?”. While avoiding eye contact and looking slightly like you’re put off by this whole process.
3. After being seated be sure to call the host/waiter back to your table at least 2 or 3 times by asking for the things that they were going to bring you anyway, breadsticks, water, free shot glasses of Crisco… whatever.
4. Make the waiter come back about 3-4 times because one of your or all of you are “not ready yet” when the waiter comes back for a final time, make a point of simply making your 4 second decision from the menu there while they are waiting. This shows that you could have been ready to order at anytime but wanted to finish telling your friend about this girl/guys awesome tits/ass.
5. When the food comes, don’t say a single word, just sit there silently while they set the food down and clear your throat a few times. This makes your server feel like they are a naughty child interrupting in grown up talk, It may help at this point to discuss your sex life or impotency.
   
6. Finish roughly half of everything, and send back or request a refund on at least one or two items.
   
7. When the waiter/busser tries to take your filthy dishes, move protectively about your plate like a hyena over a gruesome kill. Don’t actually indicate your intentions, simply stare them down and if they ask you if they can take that, think about it long enough that they feel awkward, usually about 30-50 seconds.
8. When the waiter comes back for their inevitable dessert sales pitch, make loud exclamations that they must be insane or stupid, because you just imbibed roughly 34 pounds of meat and roughage. This is because humans are the only animal able to gorge to excess and NOT vomit up what they don’t need, and we revel in this ability. Then order a chocolate pie anyway.
9. When the check comes, loudly discuss the amounts and mistakes that are no doubt there, and then leave a tip that either borders on insulting or is so far in excess to the service that it shows you don’t care one way or another if they were good or not.
10. Remember when the check has come to split it at the last minute at least 3 or 4 different ways, it helps to act like this was your plan all along and the waiter/waitress just “didn’t get it”
    
11. You have successfully eaten like an American, this would be a good time to hop into your SUV and drive your foggy-eyed family back to the house where you’ll stare at the open fridge before filling your favorite ass-indent on the couch and watching one of the many *quality* reality TV shows, like “Stupid People Dating” or “Vapid Blonde Whores go Shopping”

If you think the Sushi Video is anal retentive and over the top, just remember the equally lengthy series of steps required to eat like an American and realize we are a bunch of bastards with no culture except what the picture-box gives us.  Do I sound bitter? Maybe I just want some Sushi.

[Special Thanks to: Briggs]

This is a continuation of “Stupid Video Game Plots” which focused on the odd and generic storylines that are so deeply embedded in video game plots.

1. Silent Protaganist (…)

Maybe it's for the best....

In many games the hero of the game is made to represent you. Since the game doesn’t know what you’re going to say it simply leaves the dialogue of your character blank and empty. For one this is a cheap cop-out for not having to write the dialogue of a MAIN character, and for two, the picture this draws in my mind is almost unbearable. Picture this: Since you provide your characters dialogue, the game writers must assume that you’re literally talking out loud to your video game vainly trying to “play your part”.

So I can just picture a pudgy 14 year old with a controller wedged into his hands, screaming at the tv “NO WAY!” or “That was my bag of gold you theiving elf-creature!” or “No dad please don’t die of your vicious dragon wounds”. Case in point, what we will come up with probably won’t be as good as the writers of the game, so you should just write the fucking main character and stop calling laziness “immersion” because the only time I’m yelling at the TV is when I’m drunk and calling mario a fucking jizz-mopper for over shooting that last power-up. And I don’t think that’s plot related.

2. Rock Collecting

Now go get 7 more, bitch

Sigh, oh video games, how you’ve wronged me. Does this sound familiar? “In order to defeat the evil and gigantic dragon/fish/talking-tree/demon/politician you will have to run ALL around the fucking world and pick up an assload of pieces of crystal/rock/magic-beans” Yeah. I figured. There are so many games where the goal is dead ahead, right in front of you, THERE’s the bad guy, let’s go kick his ass.

But a straight path to the bad guy does not a long game make (in the words of asshole yoda). So rather than pounding on some slimes and leveling up and punching big baddie in the face. You’ve got to travel the world (inevitably by foot, then canoe, then boat, then airship, then teleportation that’s poorly explained) on a long-winded quest for some power crystals or whatever.

This ALWAYS accomplishes one of two things. Either they’re so powerful that the bad guy wants them, and he steals them and you fail, and you have to defeat him anyway, which means this whole trip was pointless. OR you do get the crystal and they bond into a magical mcdonalds toy of powerful magick, which then proceeds to do absolutely nothing except to actually LET YOU fight the last boss, but last i checked you never actually throw the fucking crystals at him or anything, so what was the point?

3. None at all?

The new Shape of Fear

How many people know the story of Tetris? No not the made up one you had in your brain, the actual story. None of you, because there is none, but puzzle games are too easy. There is a countless number of games with almost no plot or none at all. Sure some games throw you the sword of smiting and send you off to the red dragon’s lair. But seriously. What. The. Fuck. Is. Going. On….

Far too many games sit on the fact that they MADE a game and decided a plot was overworking the concept. Even some high level A-list games give the illusion of depth but it’s not until the very end that you realize the obtuse character development NEVER coalesced… Have you ever finished game and went “Wait… what? that’s it?” Basically if the game companies have gotten you to buy it, and maybe even finish it, their work is done. Who cares who killed professor plum or why you’ve been chasing your evil anthropormorphic homo-twin across the galaxy, you win, end of story. Come on guys, who keeps writing this crap?

4.  Do it for Love, or whatever

Love is a many gendered thing..

So many times the love of your life is snatched away, your sweetheart is in peril, and the girl you just got the nerve to ask out is kidnapped by cyborg parrots that spit lasers. (that would be cool). But I think that battling across the whole of existence into the heart of hell/mordor/france/mushroom kingdom had better warrant a fine shiny piece of ass. If this bitch isn’t the LOVE of your LIFE why would you do all of this? Nobody is that nice. Plus half the time it’s just some girl you like, or are supposed to love, but there’s no real reason? Is she a world class chef with a blowjob addiction? Does she shit diamonds and do windows? Why is this girl worth fighting for? Why do you love her, or the character. I’ve done some damn near suicidal things for sex, but these games take the concept to a whole new level. Plus sex is never mentioned. Unless that black they’re always scrolling behind the credits is actually part of a censored bar covering up the worlds greatest orgy…

Long story short, there are people whose WHOLE job is create a plot and a story and they fail miserably. But I guess it doesn’t matter, after all, World of Warcraft is like the jesus of gaming and to the best of my knowledge the entire plot consists of “Go fetch me these apples/horseshoes/skulls/coins etc. and I’ll give you a piece of armor I can’t use anyway” Truly this is the stuff of epic legend. I can imagine why these stories will be told throughout the ages, about you, the retarded dwarf errand-boy who fetched things and became really good at mining. Yeah, that’s entertaining.

Sometimes you get some weird emails…

Dear Zack,

The girls all loved it. Each of us orgasmed like 500 times during the class and we were doing that weird female ejaculation thing that might just be peeing or it might be because we stuck water up in our vaginas, who knows?! Certainly not a college-level sexuality TA! We got so into your stuff that we all took our clothes off and had a big orgy and right then an oil truck driving by the class overturned and spilled all this vegetable oil into the classroom and we were just slipping and sliding all over each other like a bait cup full of earthworms. Earthworms with vaginas! Then we had so many orgasms that it formed into a super orgasm and the whole building exploded and we all shot up into the air on a giant geyser of that weird pee/water/ejaculation stuff. Please visit ASAP I think you need to teach us in person!!!!!! HURRY!!

Keepin’ it wet,
Chandra

2:25:10 PM sikkitten: anything new and exciting in CA?
2:29:39 PM sikkitten: entertain meeeeeee!
2:30:50 PM weaselbringer: all of california is now a sovereign state and everyone has been declared king
2:31:17 PM sikkitten: Sweet.
2:31:33 PM weaselbringer: it’s been determined by our governor (who has saved the world many times – according to the historical videos) that we will need the rest of the US to act as our subjects in order to support this many “Kings”
2:32:02 PM weaselbringer: But he’s assured us that we are all indeed god’s chosen few, plus we banned religion and made abortion mandatory for anyone with an IQ below 158
2:32:34 PM weaselbringer: I cheated on my “Smart enough to live in calfornia test” to get 156 so… free abortions
2:32:34 PM sikkitten: how can you be God’s chosen few if religion is banned?
2:32:58 PM weaselbringer: We’re also all gods, so we’re our own chosen few to be king by the only deity we acknowledge which is ourselves
2:33:10 PM weaselbringer: its very complicated for you “Other” people
2:33:33 PM sikkitten: yeah.
2:33:59 PM sikkitten: See…that’s why I can’t live in CA.  I’m not smart enough to understand the laws.
2:39:41 PM sikkitten: entertain me!
2:41:16 PM weaselbringer: Lesser Known Fact: California is actually a chunk of heaven that fell to earth and wiped out Northern mexico
2:41:29 PM weaselbringer: we also killed the dinosaurs, but I think we’ve made up for that
2:41:32 PM sikkitten: Well, duh!
2:41:37 PM sikkitten: aww!
2:41:42 PM sikkitten: I like dinosaurs!
2:41:48 PM weaselbringer: Dude, they were SO rude, I”m talking aggro
2:42:43 PM weaselbringer: they were all, “Why are you causing catastrophic earthquakes and poisonous typhoons and” blah blah blah, I swear if they could keep their mind off their meat and their eggs for ONE Second
2:42:47 PM weaselbringer: they wouldn’t have been wiped out
2:43:14 PM weaselbringer: but no, it’s always eat eat eat with them and then breed and protect these eggs, or go eat the eggs, brains the size of kittens you know…
2:43:30 PM sikkitten: yay!  Kittens!
2:43:37 PM weaselbringer: not the good kind
2:43:46 PM weaselbringer: Calfornia invented Kittens you know…
2:43:55 PM weaselbringer: Before that they use to just come out full grown and grumpy
2:44:13 PM weaselbringer: Plus they used to shoot venom but california banned creepy shit in 1904
2:44:22 PM sikkitten: HAHAHAHA!
2:44:29 PM weaselbringer: although I think it may be time to re-define that term
2:45:07 PM weaselbringer: 1904’s version of creepy was all “Hooligans dropping trash outside of designated receptacles and off-colour jokes” but I think the times may have changed slightly
2:45:43 PM sikkitten: yeah….
2:48:34 PM weaselbringer: California’s first governor was Zeus, and since then, we’ve determined each governor by their perceived “Ability to wrestle a hydra”
2:48:55 PM weaselbringer: Which explains why Davis was booted and Schwarzenegger is IN baby
2:49:08 PM sikkitten: HAHAHA!
2:50:27 PM weaselbringer: I’m guessing that on your filthy plot of ill-gotten land that you guys probably draw straws or blindfold the electorates and spin them around and let them pick the governor by the age-old “Duck duck goose” theorem, but we’ve found that to be a little trite
2:51:25 PM sikkitten: but it’s fun!
2:51:29 PM sikkitten: and we get SNOW
2:51:33 PM weaselbringer: usually the aliens (that only our state has contact with) sends down a few recommendations along with our next shipment of flying cars and magic wands
2:51:35 PM sikkitten: which still manages to enchant me.
2:51:49 PM sikkitten: …I wanna wand.
2:51:52 PM sikkitten: *pout*
2:52:09 PM weaselbringer: Ah yes snow, the frozen dirty rain of the upper who-gives-a-crap area of the US
2:52:59 PM weaselbringer: We have some of that too, but enough sense to shove it into piles on top of mountains for skiing, we also invented snow cones, up till then you people were just eating UNFLAVORED snow, cretins…
2:53:02 PM sikkitten: You mean the awesome awesome of awesome.
2:53:55 PM weaselbringer: Oh I’m sorry, you made a common outside-california mistake, you see the word awesome here means “Californian and/or Perfect in nature” where in the rest of the world it has another meaning, so what you PROBABLY meant to say was..
2:54:21 PM sikkitten: the awesome awesome of awesome.
2:54:26 PM weaselbringer: “The craptastic craptastic of craptastic and we eat poo”
2:54:51 PM weaselbringer: it’s a common mistake I wouldn’t beat yourself up over it
2:55:04 PM sikkitten:
2:55:08 PM weaselbringer: But if you’ll excuse me I have to go post this on my blog, which you can now read to entertain yourself