Hot damn, girl! You’re incredible.

Everything about you gives me koala feet. You don’t know koala feet? That’s when a koala gets so dumbstruck by something beautiful in nature like a rock or a boulder that he forgets how to tie his shoes. You’d make a koala rely on a zookeeper to tie his shoes for him, or maybe invest in some velcro sandals.

I’m not exaggerating. In fact, I’m just getting started.

You’re blushing… You don’t even know how fine you are, do you girl? That just makes you even hotter. It’s like you’re a retard that wandered into NASA mission control and some balding dude with a headset and a cigarette hanging out of his haggard genius mouth sat you down in front of a supercomputer and said “Go on, save the rocket”. You don’t know what the fuck is going on, and you aren’t even wearing regular underwear.

I like that. Yeah, you know I do.

If we were stranded together on some tropical paradise and we found a four-post bed with silk sheets and a can of whipped cream, I would give you half of the whipped cream. You’d probably have to sleep on the floor because I flail my arms about when the nightmares get bad, but you wouldn’t be able complain about the poor sleeping conditions. After all, I split the food with you, right? You wouldn’t even know how comfortable sleeping on the bed would be, and that would just make you even hotter.

Your skin is a gently rolling landscape, its surface a milky velvet delight. I want to spend a lazy afternoon traversing every millimeter of its surface with my fingertips, held in such a way as to make it look like my hand is skateboarding.

What gorgeous hair you’ve got. It’s like a hundred ropes. When I smell it I become intoxicated, like I just used too much ammonia to clean up a poorly ventilated hospital bathroom. I could lose myself in your hair if it was big enough to make a maze. I’m horrible at those things, which is pretty much the only reason why I couldn’t become a professional hedge maze solver.

Your eyes are like sparkling diamonds in a sparkling stream and someone went nuts with a Bedazzler on all the tadpoles. When I look into those eyes, I am blinded to everything in the world but you, and that poster on your wall with the two girls kissing in black and white.

Girl, your brain weighs roughly three pounds.

Your legs are long like the line I waited in to see Star Wars: Episode One. I sat there for twelve hours without going to the bathroom, and the local news asked me a few questions live on the air. If he were to ask me about your legs, I’d have a lot of flattering things to say but I’d probably steer the conversation toward Star Wars.

Your breasts are like a slightly mismatched pair of oversized oranges. If I grasped them with my strong but tender hands and gave them a honk, the sweetest orange juice would drip out from every pore. I’m not being poetic, I genuinely believe that’s what would happen.

Your lips are a pair of pillowy security doors hiding a dangerous secret: Your teeth. Your teeth can bite and chew, but your lips can kiss and sometimes form words. Your whole mouth is a dichotomy. Think about it!

My absolute favorite thing about your body, though, is the nape of your neck. It’s like an NES cartridge. I could spend hours leaning in close, exhaling hot whispers of the games I want to play into its smooth hollow, and it wouldn’t have any effect whatsoever on you.

Google, go ahead, take my privacy.

Why? Because Google rocks, they can have my privacy, all of it, I trust them. Fly Google Fly, like the bedazzled sexy phoenix I know you are. Get out there and collate and seperate you great big beautiful search engine.

You’re probably wondering why I’m ranting about Google. Well I finally got pushed over my limit. I’ve seen countless articles about how Google is taking your privacy and that they have TOO much control and too much information. This is retarded. Microsoft having all your data (which they already do) is somewhat scary but even then, it’s just a big faceless corporation. But Google is constantly trying to do good and new things and I say Fuck it, let them. At every turn someone pisses on their attempts to change the world.

• Google wants to index all the worlds books, huge lawsuits rear up and it’s eventually abandoned.
• Google wants to combine all your medical history into one huge secure database so healthcare will be easier and cheaper, people freak out that someone gives a shit that they take suppositories for being a paranoid and impotent jerk. But really.. who the hell cares?
• Google wants to map the whole fucking world, from top to bottom and with pictures, and people are afraid it will endanger them and violate their privacy. You live in a fucking house and make 50k a year, you’re a middle class fuckwad with delusions of grandeur, not a god damned super spy who hangs pictures of the latest invasion plan on their FRONT fucking door… You know that right?
• Google runs their own 411 service based off voice ads instead of paying some godawful amount and people bitch about the ad’s… why? asshat.
• Google holds all your email ever and people are scared that they get ad’s targeted to them… Dear god now you’ll be FORCED to buy Tide with Bleach, you shitmonkeys.

Google, from me to you. Go for it, keep it up. Offer the world free Wifi, index the worlds information, and change the way society works. Are you so goddamned content with the planet that you are willing to just let shit stagnate because it never gets any better than this? This world is full of idiots and scared people and conspiracy nuts who are all cramping Google’s style. They make a fuckton of money and they do it in a subtle way that really doesn’t bother me. They offer everything they make for essentially free and less hassle than many paid solutions. So WHY oh god WHY is everyone pitching a damn fit when they want to do something new. it’s a company run by two GEEKS, they want to do good things and have the best shot in the WORLD to make differences that no one else could make on a such a grand scale.

You should all go give Google a dollar and shut the hell up about your privacy. Because you’re worried about whether or not Google knows if you email your brother in wisconsin and less worried about the US government arresting without warrants and watching you take a shit. Go write something about that. Let Google rock the planet. I know I sound like the saddest kind of fanboy, but I really just like Google and every single one of their plans has been outstanding and generally only fail due to ignorance or paranoia. If more people were doing what google is doing, “No Evil” and to make the world easier to understand and communicate… I wouldn’t have to hate you all so very much.