There is a man standing at a desk, with his hands pushed flat and hard against the mahogany wood. His gaze is steely and his lips are drawn into a tight line.

“Allright guys, here’s the plot to Duke Nukem Forever”

“Finally!” The coder from 3dRealms thinks to himself.

They’ve been preparing and tweaking and updating for years and years but no one up until this point, had painted the full picture. Finally here it was, from the mouth of the big man himself.

“Okay, we’ve all waited a long time for this, but I had to wait until the technology was right, it goes down like this…”

Every eye was glued to him, every ear strained to hear every detail of his vision.

“Duke nukem walks onto a black background and lights a cigar, and then he puts the cigar out on a kids face, oh, there’s a kid there too, but he’s just there to get burned. Anyway. He kicks the kid out of the screen and pulls down his pants, then there’s a huge glow coming from his crotch. The camera zooms in and its revealed that the entire game takes place inside his balls. Then the world comes into focus and he’s fighting inside a giant vagina and his gun is so huge that it literally takes up three quarters of the screen. Every time he fires the gun a naked woman flies out and slams into his enemies at supersonic speed. Every single enemy will be different, each one will be nude spread-eagled flying-angel version of a playboy playmate from the last 30 years, in perfect photo-realistic detail.

After he fights through the vagina level, his gun overheats and he is forced to use his fists. The next round of enemies are womens liberation protesters outside an abortion clinic he punches and beats his way through the crowd and every single blow landed sends up a massive volcano of blood and each corpse will be littered with photo-realistic bruises copied from real domestic abuse videos. As he nears the abortion clinic he finds his next weapon. It’s a combination chainsaw, dildo, flamethrower, baby launcher. And he proceeds to shoot flaming babies through the acres of screaming women’s libbers. Then he kicks in the door to the abortion clinic and its actually an abortion disco, where thousands of strippers are having a satanic orgy and they’ll all stuck together. So the next enemies become groups of swingers who are attached to each other by their genitals and kamikaze run at Duke with their appendages flailing. He’ll make short work of them with the Baby-launcher but he’ll run out of ammo. That’s when he punches through a fish tank to reveal the secret switch that opens the abortion factory. He steals all the aborted fetuses and jams them into his weapon to re-load and starts really giving hell to the swinger-mutants.”

“Um Sir” the technicians hand went up tenatively

“Now just let me finish Kevin…” The exec waves his hand absent-mindedly

“My name isn’t”

He is interrupted

“So! Level Three is actually a giant metal bald eagle but like 30 miles wide in real-time dimensions so it takes like seven hours to go from wing to wing, and you fight your way forward through a field of land mines and you take steroids so that you rip apart your enemies with your teeth for the entire level. All the enemies are mimes that shoot rainbow bazookas that turn you gay. If you’re hit by one of the gay-rays your vision turns black and white and you speak every line with a lisp. The only way to reverse the gayness is to swallow viagra bottles whole or pick up copies of “Cheri” that are strewn about the level. For a boss you actually swing below the eagle and castrate him with an ice-cream scooper made of uranium that’s attached to his beak.”

Now several hands go up, they seem more insistent.

“I know! I know!! You’re all excited, but wait for the finale! The final level is where duke nukem gets shrunk into a tiny size, and he actually climbs inside his own gun and into a bullet, and it gets fired and he spends the whole level inside a bullet fighting microscopic aliens that are all transvestites and they crap in their hands and throw it at you. The real coup-de-grace is, that you have to beat the level before the bullet hits paris hiltons face, but you don’t want to save her!! So you just stay alive long enough to the let the bullet hit her and then you blow back up to normal size, but while you’re inside paris hiltons ass and you make her explode from the force of growing back to full size and then you start doing push ups in her entrails while the credits roll. Oh yeah and the entire soundtrack is the Metallica “Black” Album but re-mixed into house music.”

“Sir! I really…”

He awakes from his fevered reverie long enough to point vaguely at one of the developers…

“Sir…. I’m at a loss, even if we were able to do all this stuff, we haven’t been working on this for the past 8 years, we’re using the Unreal 2 Engine, this is in such bad taste that I’m pretty positive we’ll get banned, and you’re only talking about roughly four levels, that could be completed in less than a few hours. Also, there’s no plot, no connection between one area and the next, most of that doesn’t make sense, and I think you’re drunk”

His eyes are wide in surprise, the executives mouth opens and closes a few times with no sound coming out…

“Well I uh..”

The Young Technician continues “Furthermore, I think you’ve been giving everyone busy work while you play the original Duke Nukem in your office all day, and this is the first indication of a plot that we’ve had in eight years and its so bad that it sounds like you just made it up on the spot. You give no concept of reality and completely ignore the capabilities of the system we’re forced to work in, and you made everyone come in on their day off and you ordered pizza but all of the pizza is locked in your office, you’re not wearing pants, and I for one am sick of this shit… I’m leaving!”

The technician storms out, and the exectutive dismisses the rest of the crew for the weekend, assuring them that we’ll “Start Fresh” on Monday morning. The rest of the crew shrugs and walks back to their cars, with dazed looks on their faces. The executive walks back into his office and starts eating pizza, he waits until the building is completely empty, and then he shoves the pizza boxes aside to reveal a large diagram written on top of the desk. It reads,

Employees confused into leaving: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Employees scared into leaving: XXXXXXXX

Employees that have a nervous breakdown: XXXXX

He carefully scratches another X into the top row and taps his pencil with an amused look on his face.

Time and time again I read about the objectification of women in Video games. How real women don’t actually have quadruple D breasts and the ability to backflip through the air in a miniskirt while slaughtering thousands. Well you know what, I don’t CARE. Jesus Christ people, ease up a bit will you?

I'm staring at her guns...

From the days of Tomb Raider when a busty heroine kicked her way onto my PC I loved women in games, do you know why I loved women in games? Because the chick in the game had huge tits. Look at the cover of any video game with a female lead, they’re HOT. They’re anime, gravity-defying, ridiculously hot. Why is this a bad thing? So some women feel alienated… fine. The lead of every game since the dawn of games has been a muscle-bound strapping greased up man and you don’t hear men complaining about how they don’t look they live in a gym. Video games are an acceleration and increase in reality. You can no more complain about hot women in games than you can complain about superpowers, infinite ammo, the ability to die and keep fighting or any other uber-reality touch in gaming.

You can cry your eyes out that chicks don’t look like they do in real life, but we don’t WANT that. Most gamers are guys, and if its because we objectify women, then how do you explain games like Doom, Crysis, Gears of war, where the men are stacked with muscle and guns and essentially move like olympic runners. Does this make me feel inadequate? Maybe if I had no life and envied the lives of video game characters, but I don’t.

You don’t buy a porno with ugly people in it (unless thats your thing) – you don’t watch hit movies with actors that look like shit, and you don’t read books about heroes who have a hair-lip and a beer belly. You don’t want your games populated by ugly heroes of yore either. At this point, some people have gotten the idea and started doing female leads that look mostly normal (Half Life 2/Portal) and this is fine too, you see, there’s only one thing I care about. That they KEEP making games with huge titted porn-star assassins as well as feel-good 6 out of 10 heroines. There’s room for diversity, as far as I’m concerned we can progress as a gaming culture and make games about our feelings and make hug-simulators all day long.

Yes we play for the game...

I for one, won’t play those games, or maybe I will, but then I’ll have to watch porn first. There’s a growing niche genre of games where you care for a puppy, or raise pinatas or some such shit, and I think that’s great. But every girl I know who loves Super Mario, has no trouble saving the princess, and if the princess had a huge rack and fuck-me lips I think they’d go right on saving her. I know I would fight a little harder to save her.

The point is, there’s a hundred other examples of beautiful better-than-reality people in every Vanity Faire, People Magazine, Hollywood Movie, XXX flick and of course games. Why is it all of a sudden, up to video games, to bear the moral burden of bucking the human races’ trend of materialism and lust? Its just another medium and sex sells, so keep right on selling it. This is no excuse to make a crap game, but I think we’re smart enough to dodge around games that just use sex to compensate for quality. Now, if you’re using sex to enhance quality, or hell, just throwing it in on top of a good game… I’m all for it

All the problems of a mustachioed Italian plumber and his plucky brother don’t amount to a hill of mushrooms in this mixed up crazy world. We’ve all watched Mario break countless bricks, collect billions of coins and generally roll around in the spotlight while Luigi cries and masturbates to 8-bit photos of Princess Peaches’ snatch in the darkest dives in Mushroom Kingdom… But how much do we actually KNOW about Mario, and what makes him SUPER anyway? Why does Luigi get shunted to the side despite his obvious jumping superiority (SMB2!)? We’re here to tell you, all the things you didn’t know about SUPER MARIO

1. Drug Problems

Many have watched little Mario suddenly devour a mushroom and become HUGE with power, have seen him stomp countless bad guys in the face and break millions of bricks with his fists, head, and even ass. Does NO ONE question this? This man has a problem! When he’s not so whacked out on PCP feeling no pain from endlessly slamming his hands and feet into blocks of solid BRICK, he’s dressed up as a Bee, Raccoon, Frog, or Frenchman like he’s on his way to a god-damned mascot orgy. When you can get him somewhat normal he’s eating mushrooms almost as big as HE IS and growing tremendously overweight from an extreme overdose of hallucinogenic mushrooms. This man is the cultural icon for a billion people worldwide and he does more drugs than 28 clones of Keith Richards at the Playboy Mansion. There is something very wrong with idolizing what is essentially an un-killable drug-addled plumber.

2. Money, where does it all go?

Along with poor Mario’s plight in other arenas his finances aren’t what they used to be either. Despite endlessly collecting gigantic gold coins from countless locations around the globe, Mario is forced to make sequel after sequel just to simply “Pay The Bills”. But why? From a single game alone he must collect millions of points and coins right? Wrong. Nintendo

is the Columbia Records of the video game industry, sometimes giving their main characters as little as 10 percent of net profits from a successful title (this was especially bad during the 64′ era, when there WERE no successes). He’s lucky to walk away with enough points to make a mortgage on a castle thats plagued with fungus and portals to hell. Couple this with his lifestyle choices of drugs, dating princesses and the collateral damage levied against him by the Peoples Republic of Mushroom Kingdom (or PRMK) for blowing up national monuments and 1000 year old castles. He is also racked up more than 4 billion in fines from the WildLife Preservation Society for Endangered Enemies (WPSEE) for decimating the natural balance of innocent goombas and turtles, his request for leinancy was denied due to his excessive cruelty in kicking most of the dead turtles carcasses across great distances for fun and profit.

3. Love Life – Hardly

Throughout most of his career Mario has endlessly chased brides across the world and back, following one princess after another. Bailing them out of prisons, dungeons and tough situations. However each year the princess is captured or lost again, or Mario is called out to solve some other horrible crisis like re-aligning the planets or resurrecting dead stars which can go on for MONTHS. It doesn’t leave a lot of time for the good life. His marriage is a shambles due to the fact that he is physically incapable of having children, exacerbated by his long-time friend and prolific breeder, Yoshi. Peach was never happy with their situation, but when you’re an oft-kidnapped child of privilege you can only take things as they come. She’s had several affairs with his arch-nemesis Bowser and even some rumored flings with Koopa from the 90’s. So with a life riddled with lies and deceit he walks a lonesome road.

4. Bad Company

But what about his friends? Stalwart and with him to the end? Not true. Mario has had several falling-outs with his ne’er do well brother Luigi to the point where they no longer speak and often compete against each other in dangerous Kart Races. His other long-time friend Toad has moved on with his life and only comes out of retirement and recluse for the occasional cameo and then its back to the farm. Yoshi is often cited as Mario’s best friend but anyone close enough to see their repartee first hand will tell you that a single attack from an enemy will send Yoshi fleeing the scene like a panicked schoolgirl and will have to be physically captured and restrained to help again. He was also admonished not to see Yoshi again by his agent after it was discovered that Yoshi’s egg throwing ways had labeled him “Pro-Abortion”.

In conclusion, the revered rock-star of video games does not lead the life of luxury we’d all like to believe he does. His past is riddled with bad graphics, lame bosses, a brief addiction to side-scrolling porn, and the personal train wreck that was Mario Sunshine. His new game “Super Mario Galaxy” is due out soon and we can only hope that this aging and much put-upon hero can rise to the challenge, find his lost whore of a princess, and kick some serious ass. Here’s to you Mario.

The Game Dame

Attention all gamers! You may or may not know of “The Game Dame” But she’s a deadly beautiful gamer-geek-girl who can frag your heart into little tiny gibs. So rarely does someone fill my life bar like her, that I had to do an interview. So without further ado, I present the exclusive “GAME DAME INTERVIEW”

( see her site at www.thegamedame.com )

Question 1: What is your name and Occupation?

I write video game reviews and industry tidbits as The Game Dame.

Question 2: Who would you say you’re biggest demographic is?

The same demographic that knows what show the following quote is from without having to do a Google search: “I’m so excited! I’m so excited! I’m so… so… SCARED.”

Question 3: Who would win in a fight between an astronaut and a caveman? (no weapons)

Caveman. No doubt. It’d go down like this: The astronaut would try to calculate the best method for destroying the caveman… drawing out blueprints and all that. While he’s busy hypothesizing, the caveman would come over and bash his head in.

Question 4: What are your physical measurements? (What are your spiritual measurements)

Left wrist: 5.75″ around,

Right pinky: 2″ long,

Length of blank space between my shoulder tat and tramp stamp: 13.25″

Question 5: Do you name your breasts? (If so provide names, If not provide names)

Okay, let’s name them now.

Left: Itty

Right: Bitty

Other?: n/a

Question 6: Ever play D&D? (Live action or Table Top ­ give detail)

Nope.

Question 7: What is your Favorite Video game weapon and why?

Anything that causes such an explosive impact that it sends rag doll bodies flailing through the air (rocket launchers, grenades). Those flailing bodies make me laugh. Does that make me a bad person?

Question 8: Describe your ideal alien abduction

Ignignot and Er would pick me up and spend a day teach me their advanced ways. We¹d probably start the day flying around doing art installations like the one they did in Boston. DAMN, YEAH!

Question 9: What is your Favorite Color/Number/Ice Cream/Food/Game/Actor?

/Pink

/9

/Talenti’s Toasted Almond Gelato

/Human Souls

/Of the moment? Pac Man C.E.

/Parker Posey

Question 10: In many movies a suitor will perform an amazing stunt to impress the girl and gain her hand in marriage, Like jumping a motorcycle through a ring of fire and into a dinosaur’s mouth who has halitosis. What stunt would I have to pull off to win YOUR hand?

The motorcycle stunt is sooo 2006. Girls like me really have to be impressed. You’d have to somehow defeat the ultimate God of Cool: Chuck Norris. It’s not easy. But neither am I.

Question 11: Give me an example of a question you definitely wouldn’t answer here.

“Were you the one that put the empty milk carton back in the fridge yesterday?”

Question 12: Want to Fight?

I’d hate to embarrass you on your own turf.

Question 13: Cats like to eat fish right? So they make fish flavored cat food. Now dogs like to eat cats right? So why don¹t they make Cat flavored dog-food?

I wish I knew. This will be added to the list of questions that keep me awake at night. Also on my list of sleep-depriving questions: “If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?” and “Why is the letter “W” called double u and not double v?”

Question 14: What is your ultimate goal Career/Personal?

I’m working on putting together a Game Dame show. I’m tired of watching girl video game news hosts who have no connection to the words they’re reading off of the teleprompter. If everything goes as planned, I’ll help redeem the reputation of the girl gamer TV personality.

Question 15: Write a Haiku about yourself

Gamer. Writer. Nerd.

Introducing the Game Dame.

The Game Dame (dot) com

Question 16: Biggest Accomplishment thus far?

I’d say it’s a pretty big accomplishment that people want to interview me. I think that’s weird.

Question 17: What would YOU do for a Klondike bar?

I’d play a round of Mario Kart 64 for it. Winner gets the ice cream.

Question 18: Some People only know you as the goddess-shaped-woman-of-their-dreams, so whats something embarrassing about yourself to knock you off your high and mighty throne?

When I was in middle school, a bunch of the cool kids invited me to hang out with them at the water park. I had a humongous crush on one of the guys in the group, so I was trying to impress him all day. I’d even bought a new bikini for the occasion. About halfway through the day, it became pretty obvious that my crush had no mutual interest, so I gave up on the courtship and went on The Lazy River ­ a 20 minute or so inner tube ride ­ with a group of the girls. At the end of the ride, you go down this slide and splash into the pool. I splashed, came up out of the water and started walking back to the cool kids group. They’d all gathered together at a picnic table. Walking up to them, I noticed that the entire line of people waiting for their turn on the Lazy River was looking at me. And smiling.

They seemed impressed. I started feeling cocky about it. Forget about that stupid crush, that whole line was interested! That’s when one of the girls ran over to me and pulled my bikini top back down over my boobs. I’d just flashed about 100 people and about 20 of them were from my school. I was mortified.

Question 19: Your Favorite Expletive?

Shit. It’s such a great word. It starts off with “sh” as in “shut up” and ends with “it” – a short, no questions asked conclusion.

Question 20: Ask your own question of me here.

If you could hang out with any cartoon character, who would it be and what would you do together?

Reply: Picture this: I’m sitting at the bar toasting with my buddy and a girl walks up and says “Hey who’s your friend?” and I smile and look at her and reply “CAPTAIN “N” BITCH!” and then high-five my cartoon homeboy captain N, and then maybe he shoots her with a light zapper or something.

======================================================

A Thousand thank you’s to “The Game Dame” who remains my hero and she’s totally *promised to show up naked at my door carrying the classic Golden Zelda cartridge and a bottle of whip cream. Kind of makes YOU wish you’d done an interview huh?

*-Promised = Not said at all

“PacMan Wants a Mistress” [Email PacMan]

Age: 48

Home: PacCity, Illinois

Eyes: Giant and Black

Hair: None

Weight: 300lbs

Height: 4′00″

Marital Status: Widower

Children: They’ve all gone off to maze college.

Occupation: Retired Pellet eater and ghost chaser/chasee.

Education: 4 Years of Maze college and All-state Track champion (83)

Interests: I enjoy Buffets, eating pellets, occaisionally fruit. I love to EAT.

About Myself: I’m retired now, but I feel like I’ve done my part (a million times over). Hunting ghosts and eating a hell of a lot of pellets. Thats what things were all about back then. Eating pellets, running away from the ghosts. But that just doesn’t interest me anymore. I think I’d like to open my own pellet shop some day and settle down, stop all this running around.

About My Perfect Match: I’m looking for a older gal. I used to be married but Mrs. Pacman was taken from us in a horrible ghost chasing accident… I don’t really like to talk about it. But if you like wearing bows and eating, then look me up anytime.

“Yoshi Wants to Lick You” [Email Yoshi]

Age: 20

Home: Yoshi’s Island, Snes city

Eyes: Green/Black

Hair: Spikes

Weight: 333lbs

Height: 6′9″

Marital Status: Single!!

Children: None.

Occupation: Mighty Dinosaur Steed, Egg Layer (weird I know).

Education: I have an 8 foot tongue.

Interests: I like to exercise, try new foods, any and all kinds of food. I love to party and I’m looking to party with YOU.

About Myself: NO, I don’t think you’re understanding me… I have an EIGHT FOOT TONGUE. I can pick you up with my mouth. We can’t let this go to waste. Call me, we’ll hook up you can go for a ride on the YOSHI TRAIN awww yeah I think you know what I’m saying. I also sometimes lay eggs, I’m still a guy though, its just a Yoshi species thing… Don’t let it bother you.

About My Perfect Match: I’m looking for someone who likes a little tongue action (or a lot). You should find dinosaurs sexy and probably no gag reflex would be a plus. Please no men calling! Yes I lay eggs, but I am in fact… MALE and hetero. (Trust me I’ve heard every joke you can make about making men ride me).

“Giant Apes Need Love Too” [Email Donkey Kong]

Age: 36

Home: Millstone Mayhem, DK Country

Eyes: Black

Hair: Everywhere

Weight: 527lbs

Height: 7′3″

Marital Status: Single – Never Married

Children: Donkey Kong Junior was adopted…

Occupation: Giant Ape / Tie Model.

Education: Barrel Throwing Certified…

Interests: I like throwing barrels, kidnapping the occaisional princess, a bit of rope climbing. Hanging out with my partner Diddy Kong.

About Myself: This has taken a long time to come to terms with. I’m Gay. There I said it. I love men, big hairy, oversized and over-sexed men. This is something that caused a lot of pain in my life until I came to grips with it. I came out last year, and gramps was NONE too pleased. It strained things with my best friend Diddy Kong, because he kept remembering all those times we were pressed together in a mine kart for hours at a time… Hee actually I remember those times too.

About My Perfect Match: I’m looking to experiment. I really want to find myself. I’m a big hairy sub if you can believe it and I like to be dominated. King of the Jungle I’m NOT. But I’m new to the whole scene, I’ve spent too much time in the Jungle and not enough at the clubs. So I want to go out, dress up in my favorite tie and love EVERYBODY.

“MegaMan seeks MegaWoman” [Email MegaMan]

Age: 27

Home: Robot City, Michigan

Eyes: Sorta Blue or yellow

Hair: Brown, but usually wears a helmet

Weight: 167lbs

Height: 4′10″

Marital Status: Single

Children: None unless you count my Robot Dog.

Occupation: Robotic hero designed to defeat Doctor Robotnik Wily, also a part time pastry chef.

Education: Got my GDE and have some college credits I earned at the JC on auto repair and electrician stuff.

Interests: I like Powering up my mega-blaster for ultimate fun! I love to jet ski, and snowboard. I sometimes run horizontally for hours on end shooting and killing small robots and insects.

About Myself: I am a well known superhero, I had a TV show in the 90’s that didn’t do so well, but my games have gotten more than a dozen sequels, most can’t say the same. I think of all the other 8bits out there, I’ve got the most ‘Staying Power’ also, I was designed with EVERY contingency in mind *wink wink*.

About My Perfect Match: I’m looking for a chick who is hot, Its okay if you’re robotic, organic, or cyborg. I’m open minded. I like to party and play hard. You must love power ups and mini-bosses. Oh and your favorite color HAS to be blue.

“Metroid looking for Metro” [Email Samus]

Age: 24

Home: Planet Metroid, Galga System

Eyes: Dark Green

Hair: Blonde

Weight: 132lbs

Height: 5′9″

Marital Status: Single

Children: None.

Occupation: Super Suited Heroine and arch nemesis of Mother Brain.

Education: Have been implanted with education surpassing yours.

Interests: I run both vertically and horizontally. I like rolling into a ball and dropping a lot of bombs. I’ve been known to do some acrobatics as well and I’m a crack shot. I also do a bit of light gardening.

About Myself: Did I mention that I can actually ROLL INTO A BALL? I’m not kidding, an actual ball, its smaller than me, I don’t even know how I do it, it doesn’t seem physically possible. Although I’ve found its a really bad idea after a Buffet. Oh I also run around in full combative battle armor at all times. The armor only comes off during the end of the day and on some holidays, or while escaping from an exploding planet.

About My Perfect Match: I’m looking for someone who doesn’t mind bulky armor. I like a guy who cuddles and isn’t intimidated by my collection of weaponry. I may have a freeze ray but I melt at the sight of puppies or those cute little flying brains with tentacles that aren’t evil, I want someone with similar tastes. Must love chinese food too.

“Princess needs a new Prince” [Email Princess Peach]

Age: 33

Home: Final Castle, Mushroom Kingdom

Eyes: Black sometimes Blue

Hair: Blonde

Weight: 127lbs

Height: 5′3″

Marital Status: Divorced

Children: One little mushroom at home, I’m a single mother.

Occupation: Former Damsel in Distress, Currently single mother in distress.

Education: Very little except basic ‘princess training’.

Interests: I like wearing big pretty dresses, getting kidnapped every 9 or 10 hours, and I sometimes like to float.

About Myself: I used to be married to a certain well-known shiftless layabout plumber. He ran through 20 kingdoms to save me and then I’d just get kidnapped again. After he knocked me up and I was kidnapped for the 23rd time, he just stopped coming for me. He sent his no good brother to bring me the divorce papers WHILE I WAS PREGNANT IN AN EVIL CASTLE. So yeah I’ve been jilted but I’m thinking there’s still someone out there for me.

About My Perfect Match: I’m looking for anyone who is willing to give me a chance. I’m still technically royalty so a prince would be nice but isn’t required. You cannot be a plumber/electrician of any type. I’m sorry the memories are just too painful. Take a chance and give my love life a 1-up.

People want the PS3, they want it so bad they’re willing to crawl on their bellies through broken store windows, drink the blood of virgins, swallow live hornets and punch through the stomach of their grandmother to get one. Is there no end to your Madness? You can watch the news in real-time online pop up instance after instance of PS3 related violence. It’s inciting riots and causing people to implode and explode simultaneously. This console launch literally inverts the very laws of thermodynamics and physics themselves.

L. Ron Hubbard must be the marketing genius behind Sony’s strategy, to the point where he will actually fake the death of the console to gain public solace for its plight in being too damned incredibly sexy and unattainable. The PS3 will now feature in its own cross-genre rap group called “Players-Station” featuring “Small E. Squared big dog-poppa chedda’ snack-crisp” It will be featured in the centerfold of playboy showing off its high-powered internal components to the WORLD. It’s shiny surface will stoically reflect the diverted eyes of the entire United Nations Committee as they concern themselves with what this console means to the world.

I know you’re thinking this may be overkill, but you have obviously not gotten on the hype-wagon!!! We are talking Mega-Toyko-3d-Ape Crazy-Xtreme-Volleyball-Fujitsu-nazi FUN! The Japans have given us big big console, so round and shiny. It will only fit on top of your component stereo system because of its bulging technology and rounded curves of PURE POWER. Which is only fitting as it will stare haughtily down at your Receiver, VCR, DVD player Emitting dangerous hissing cat noises from its slot loading ‘Blu-Death-Ray WONDERchozenDRIVE!”

The cell chip has already folded protein, solved DNA, FOUND JIMMY HOFFA, its eight harley-engine powered simultaneous cores will solve 8 of your problems before you turn it on! Once activated the Cell processor will solve 8 further problems every nano-second until the number of solutions literally hit the ceiling of math. Pi cowers in its tiny-numbered hovel as the Cell tracks the future wind shapings of every grain of sand in the sahara for the next 4000 years. If left on for too long the world will become terminally content, robbed of its will to survive from having its problems all solved simultaneously for all-time. The fabric of reality and cognitive capabilities of every god from every religion will bow before its vertex-parallell-processing VOODOO.

Its surface is so reflective its said that it if you cross your eyes when you look upon you will see back in time. Bullets will actually slide off its surface and increase its power. The finish is buffed in by thousands of blind Taotion Monks using the skin of babies farmed from a special factory in Beijing. Each console is rubbed from top to bottom with over 7 million strokes of loving affection from a bonafide CATHOLIC SAINT OF JUSTICE.

You might think some of the things you’ve heard about the PS3 are simply and irrevocably impossible… They ARE and Sony has done it anyway. It plays games from other dimensions. It automatically builds the levels of unfinished games from 1983, it emulates 883 different game consoles. It’s volume goes to 11, and it can beat Battletoads for the NES by ITSELF. Sure you’re telling yourself there aren’t even 883 game consoles in existence but you’re dead wrong, and that shirt looks terrible!

I can’t be troubled to speak of its glory anymore, This is the new messiah, it has won the war on terror, terraformed mars, and its incredibly reasonable price will actually allow you to watch movies that are SO high definition that you will get punched in the face… NO SHIT. So go out and fire a loaded combat shotgun into a nun convention to get to the back of the 4 day line at your local best-buy so you too can get a rain-check voucher to maybe someday touch a demo unit inside a bullet-proof case in 4-6 weeks.

Or you could wait 2 months for better games to come out and easily buy one at the store around the corner without all the fuss… but we’re pretty sure that makes you a FAG.

by Adam “Sony OMG” Aragon