Crotch Mail

[13:59] Brendan: my life is in danger… I need $23,000,000 in diamonds by 9:12pm tonight
[14:00] WeaselBringer: I have 22,222,033 in diamonds, some in oil stocks, I’m about 200k short total, I had to kill 3 people, we may need to hide out after this
[14:01] WeaselBringer: btw whats it all for
[14:02] Brendan: in-n-out burger
[14:02] Brendan: I ran up a small tab
[14:02] Brendan: now the in-n-out goons are after me
[14:04] WeaselBringer: i just killed 3 people… and stole the klopland diamond and had it cut and fenced by 7 internationally entwined enemy forces and called in 3 favors from the pentagon to get an attack helicopter to deliver it all to you at 9:11pm …. for your burger tab?
[14:05] Brendan: I made a mistake
[14:06] Brendan: what can I say? I’m sorry
[14:06] Brendan: it won’t happen again
[14:06] Brendan: I was in line
[14:06] Brendan: ordering
[14:06] Brendan: and as I joke, I asked what the maximum number of pattys they could put on a burger was
[14:06] WeaselBringer: oh my god
[14:06] Brendan: the guy said there was no limit
[14:06] Brendan: so I decided to test him
[14:06] WeaselBringer: do they put bread inbetween that, or is it just piles of meat
[14:07] WeaselBringer: the maximum should be based off their packaging sizes
[14:07] Brendan: piles of meat
[14:07] Brendan: and cheese
[14:07] Brendan: one would think!
[14:07] Brendan: but no
[14:07] WeaselBringer: If they claim they can make a 100 meat patty monster, it should have a super tall box to carry it out in
[14:07] WeaselBringer: or a truck
[14:07] Brendan: I had a burger with 28,000,000 pattys
[14:07] WeaselBringer: thats a lot of meat
[14:07] WeaselBringer: what did you do with it
[14:08] Brendan: I had a few bites
[14:08] Brendan: gave the rest to some homeless guy outside
[14:09] WeaselBringer: you mean you’re the guy who’s responsible for the 84 recorded homeless heart attacks in that area? apparently that guy shared the wealthy and I think you just racked up an 80+ death toll
[14:09] WeaselBringer: shows what being nice to the homeless will do for you
[14:10] Brendan: I thought something like that would happen
[14:10] Brendan: which is why I kick the guy square in the balls right after giving it to him
[14:10] Brendan: I figured mean cancels out nice
[14:10] Brendan: and everyone comes out a winner
[14:12] WeaselBringer: But you kicked him in the balls and then he died from rancid meat and blazing cholesterol levels… I think that’s a double-mean if anything. Possibly a triple
[14:12] Brendan: I gave him the gift of dead cow! He looked thrilled while he was curled up in a ball, bleeding from his penis
[14:17] WeaselBringer: You associate a plethora of emotions with ‘bleeding from the crotch’ I don’t think a single one of them is applicable

[11:48] WeaselBringer: We can’t keep meeting like this, people are starting to suspect things

[11:49] Kate: You shouldn’t even be talking to me right now. I told you not here.

[11:49] WeaselBringer: Well you don’t leave me much choice

[11:49] Kate: *sigh*

[11:49] WeaselBringer: What’s next a message in a bottle?

[11:50] Kate: I was hoping for a messenger dove.

[11:50] WeaselBringer: I know I’m taking a risk here, but its only to let YOU know that THEY know

[11:50] Kate: I know.

[11:50] WeaselBringer: I know you know

[11:50] Kate: They warned me about you. I should’ve listened.

[11:51] WeaselBringer: About me? You were the one with the reputation

[11:51] Kate: Oh REALLY

[11:52] WeaselBringer: Playing dumb isn’t your style

[11:53] Kate: Oh they all paid.

[11:53] WeaselBringer: one way or another

[11:53] Kate: Exactly.

[11:53] WeaselBringer: thats why I’m here… I’m getting the feeling we’re beating at deaths door in concrete shoes

[11:54] Kate: yes well…

[11:55] Kate: *light cigarette in a 2 foot long cigarette holder*

[11:56] Kate: *flick blonde finger waved hair out of my eyes*

[11:56] Kate: So…

[11:56] Kate: where does this leave us?

[11:56] WeaselBringer: With a pile of money almost as big as the ticket on our heads

[11:57] WeaselBringer: you me, this darkened dock at midnight, nowhere to go but here is dangerous

[11:57] Kate: Where are we gonna stash it all?

[11:57] WeaselBringer: I’ve got that covered, there’s a boat to costa rica and it leaves in 9 minutes

[11:57] WeaselBringer: I want you, the money, the gun, all of it… on that boat

[11:57] Kate: But what about Johnny!

[11:57] WeaselBringer: Some things are better left alone, your husband is one of those things

[11:58] WeaselBringer: I’m not being cruel, I’m doing the poor bastard a favor

[11:58] Kate: *one single angry tear burns down my left cheek*

[11:58] Kate: Says you.

[11:58] Kate: You haven’t lost anything.

[11:58] WeaselBringer: I gave up everything!

[11:58] WeaselBringer: I’m a wanted man, running scared for my life

[11:59] WeaselBringer: I’ll be lucky if I can be your consolation prize in costa rica

[11:59] WeaselBringer: if I survive the 200 things you put me through tonight

[11:59] Kate: *slaps you across the face*

[11:59] Kate: Get a hold of yourself!

[11:59] WeaselBringer: I suppose I had that coming

[11:59] Kate: Don’t think it’s the last time it’ll happen either.

[12:00] WeaselBringer: I know you play rough doll, otherwise this whole scam would have never started

[12:00] Kate: *smirk*

[12:00] Kate: Alright… we can stand here talking about it all night or we can just do it. Let’s get outta here.

[12:01] WeaselBringer: You always did have a knack for this sort of chicanery

[12:01] WeaselBringer: You’re right

[12:01] WeaselBringer: let’s leave it all for someone else to clean up

[12:01] WeaselBringer: *gunshot – holds bleeding chest*

[12:01] WeaselBringer: I guess not…

[12:01] Kate: *holds gun up smiling*

[12:01] Kate: Nice try.

[12:01] WeaselBringer: But we had a deal

[12:02] WeaselBringer: *cough*

[12:02] Kate: You promised me a lot of things and you never followed through.

[12:02] Kate: I’m just repaying the favor.

[12:02] WeaselBringer: You never *grimace* gave me the chance…

[12:02] WeaselBringer: You never trusted me from the start, I could have been saint andrews and you would have pulled the heater on me anyway

[12:02] Kate: Feel that burning in your chest? That’s what I’ve felt like since the first day I met you. You’re nothing but trouble… and the world is better off without you.

[12:03] WeaselBringer: Maybe so

[12:03] WeaselBringer: but that depends on how you look at it

[12:03] WeaselBringer: That depends on if you believe your money is on that boat

[12:03] WeaselBringer: And i’m not the double-crosser you shot me dead for being

[12:04] WeaselBringer: *dies axiomatically*

[12:04] Kate: *laughs heartily*

[12:05] Kate: *lights another cigarette and takes a long hard drag*

[12:05] Kate: *ashes on your face*

[12:05] Kate: *Johnny pops out of the shadows*

[12:05] Johnny: Comeawn, baby. Let’s go get a cup of coffee.

[12:06] Kate: But what about him?

[12:06] Johnny: Who cares. We’re rich.

[12:06] Kate: *dramatic music*

[12:06] Kate: And scene.

[13:30] WeaselBringer: can I get my PHD in Jive?

[13:31] JonK: yes

[13:31] JonK: go to sucka academy

[13:31] WeaselBringer: Does it become a muthafucking doctorate, or am I just “Straight slidin’ pro and shit”

[13:32] JonK: its complicated

[13:32] JonK: with a phd in jive

[13:32] JonK: you are allowed to say “the muthafuckin docta is in the hissy”

[13:32] JonK: er

[13:32] JonK: hizzy, excuse me

[13:32] WeaselBringer: how about a bachelors in shit-talkin

[13:33] JonK: thats a good one

[13:33] JonK: Im an english major

[13:33] JonK: nearly the same thing

[13:33] WeaselBringer: same thing

[13:33] WeaselBringer: yes

[13:33] WeaselBringer: I’m thinking a double major in Jive and classic literature

[13:33] WeaselBringer: Alas Horatio you’z be in the shit deep

[13:34] JonK: Oh snap poor Urich, I knowd that fool

[13:35] WeaselBringer: lol

[13:35] WeaselBringer: Whether its noble and shit to be sufferin’ slings and gats or just fuck a bitch

[13:36] JonK: to get capped

[13:36] JonK: to nap

[13:37] WeaselBringer: Well maybe wordplay isn’t my direction

[13:38] JonK: follow your heart

[13:38] WeaselBringer: perhaps majoring in social sciences and white power

[13:38] WeaselBringer: hmm on second thought I don’t think I can afford Yale

[13:39] JonK: yeah…

[13:39] JonK: but you can get a minor in “crushing the souls of the poor”

[13:39] WeaselBringer: what on a financial program?

[13:40] WeaselBringer: oh I guess not….

[13:41] JonK: hah [13:41] JonK: mmm [13:41] JonK: no

[13:42] JonK: I think thats the whole point

[13:42] JonK: no scholarships

[13:42] WeaselBringer: hmm maybe there’s a local certification for ‘chilling and shit’

[13:42] JonK: uhm yeah

[13:42] JonK: everyone who has ever gone to the jc for more than 8 semesters has that certification

[13:43] WeaselBringer: or is that English

[13:43] JonK: no

[13:43] JonK: thats “relaxing and other activities”

[13:43] WeaselBringer: english majors just teach english or end up blowing homeless guys for the crack they stole from the poor people who have homes

[13:44] JonK: Im teaching

[13:45] WeaselBringer: Word of advice, when you’re teaching a class, FIRST THING… whip it out, put your dick on the table and make it clear that the jokes aren’t true, that you don’t hold truck with any of that sexual harrassment garbage, and they are here to learn or you will do this again [13:45] JonK: *scribble scribble scribble*

[13:46] JonK: (thats me taking notes)

[13:47] WeaselBringer: that way when you collect homework for the first time, say “Anyone not turning anything in?”

[13:47] WeaselBringer: Then point at your crotch with exaggerated gestures

[13:48] WeaselBringer: sometimes it helps to make a big silhouette of your junk poster sized on the board

[13:49] JonK: its lunch time

[13:49] WeaselBringer: enjoy

[13:49] JonK: all this talk of junk is making me hungry

[13:49] WeaselBringer: hmm I think I’ll post this on my blog

[13:06] fritofiend: ok
[13:06] fritofiend: how do you get a girl to do anal
[13:06] fritofiend: and i dont mean forcing her hand in my ass
[13:06] WeaselBringer: hit her in the head with a brick, is the short answer
[13:06] fritofiend: lol
[13:07] WeaselBringer: but if you’re romantic, you can paint a nice message on the brick, Like “Say Goodbye to your ass Cherry, Love Jerry” if your name is Jerry
[13:08] fritofiend: sweet
[13:09] fritofiend: maybe its cos i wrote “because your pussy’s too hairy, love robby”
[13:09] fritofiend: that doesnt rhyme… that why
[13:09] WeaselBringer: with you it would be like “I’ve put my knobby in your bobby-hole, love Robby doll”
[13:09] fritofiend: chicks never give up anally for guys that dont rhyme
[13:10] fritofiend: lol
[13:10] WeaselBringer: “or Abandon all tightness, ye who enter here”
[13:10] fritofiend: lol
[13:11] fritofiend: i dont see what tightness has to do with it
[13:11] fritofiend: i just want to degrade her
[13:11] WeaselBringer: well if your penis were bigger than a thumbtack….
[13:11] WeaselBringer: ah
[13:11] fritofiend: damnit tim said a pin
[13:11] WeaselBringer: in that case put a condom on the brick and put that in her ass and then beat her unconcious with your dick, then play the whole thing off the next morning as “female problems”
[13:12] fritofiend: thats what i did last time
[13:12] fritofiend: she still didnt give me anal
[13:13] WeaselBringer: hmm i’d say its time for desperate measures
[13:14] fritofiend: sneak it in the fron the slip out and accidently sneak it in the mouth then put a brick in her ass threaten her
[13:14] fritofiend: front then*
[13:15] WeaselBringer: lure her into the bedroom with a piece of cake with a tampon on it (the females irresistable treat) and when she comes through the door hit her in the face with a shovel until one of you reaches orgasm, offer her the cake for anal or the shovel for refusal for the next several hours and eventually, like a disobediant puppy, she will reach the conclusion that cake and a dick in the ass is better than a shovel in your face and no cake at all
[13:16] WeaselBringer: From then on you only have to mention betty crocker and she’ll be flashing the rusty sheriffs badge quicker than a gay porn expo – champion pants dropper
[13:18] WeaselBringer: Remember not to let up, its best to find some bungee cords and attach yourself strategically, so that your first penetration lasts up to several days without stopping, despite the mess this creates it will generate a feeling of comfort while ass-reamed and then you can safely ‘slip-in’ during sleeping times without waking her
[13:18] fritofiend: im gonna make this a blog
[13:19] WeaselBringer: I’ll post it on crotchmail
[13:19] fritofiend: sweet

[10:14] WeaselBringer: thats right…. NON portable ninjas
[10:14] WeaselBringer: stationary ninjas?
[10:14] Rachel Rei: haha
[10:15] Rachel Rei: you can write on them?
[10:15] Rachel Rei: send them as thank-you cards?
[10:16] WeaselBringer: yeah maybe thats deceptive wording
[10:16] WeaselBringer: in-ground ninjas?
[10:16] WeaselBringer: immovable, scarecrow ninjas?
[10:16] Rachel Rei: hehe
[10:19] WeaselBringer: I should make concrete life-size statues of ninjas with bars of steel that dig into the ground and sell them as non portable ninjas
[10:19] WeaselBringer: Rich people will buy anything
[10:19] WeaselBringer: plus if you paint them really cool people will try to steal them, hence making them portable, which they aren’t, so they can’t, hence… the beauty of non-portable ninjas
[10:20] Rachel Rei: hehe
[10:20] WeaselBringer: Although ninjas on stationary would be cool too
[10:20] Rachel Rei: yeah
[10:21] Rachel Rei: or just ninjas that you write on and send to people as messages.
[10:21] WeaselBringer: they should just be vocal messages like singing telegrams
[10:22] WeaselBringer: they swoop through your window at night, hold a wakazashi to your throat and you wake up and they’re all
[10:22] WeaselBringer: Terry says Happy Birthday, in an evil low voice
[10:22] WeaselBringer: then they throw a smoke bomb and cut through your wall into the night or something…
[10:23] WeaselBringer: Fed-Ninja – When it absolutely has to be there overnight, and dead.
[10:23] WeaselBringer: no… Ninja-Gram!
[10:24] Rachel Rei: nahh…I want to write on my ninja…then they will show up all silent and people will be scared (after like, half an hour, when they finally notice them standing there) because they’re ninjas….but then they will see the writing, and it will say like, ‘hey bob, how’s it going? Thanks for the scarf, btw. When are we going to hang, man?’
[10:25] WeaselBringer: like on a post it
[10:25] WeaselBringer: ?
[10:25] Rachel Rei: yeah
[10:25] Rachel Rei: but I think you would have to use a paint brush
[10:25] Rachel Rei: or possibly a sharpie
[10:25] Rachel Rei: but not a sharpae
[10:25] Rachel Rei: goin’ on break. Be bakc
[10:26] Rachel Rei: bakc
[10:26] Rachel Rei: back
[10:36] WeaselBringer: bkkkacck!
[10:36] WeaselBringer: I’m a chicken!!
[10:46] Rachel Rei: really?
[10:47] WeaselBringer: no, i’m actually a ninja… HIDDEN inside a chicken… Suzie wants you to have a great holiday weekend *SMOKE BOMB* poof
[10:48] Rachel Rei: *giggle*
[10:49] WeaselBringer: bam, you’re left with chicken guts, a shocked look, and seasons greetings from Ninja-Gram, your local stationary ninja source