CrotchMail: The Reckoning

12:02:50 PM sikkitten: howdie
12:03:05 PM weaselbringer: what! stop judging me!!
12:03:15 PM weaselbringer: oh sorry I thought you were the instant message that haunts my nightmares
12:03:18 PM sikkitten: haha
12:03:20 PM weaselbringer: you’re just a regular IM
12:03:29 PM sikkitten: I was judging you though
12:03:55 PM weaselbringer: well that’s fine because you don’t have the face of a werewolf and the mind of supernova like in my surreal flavored dreams
12:04:11 PM sikkitten: or so you think
12:04:33 PM weaselbringer: whatever condemnation you can pass down from your realbrain is probably non-fatal
12:05:09 PM weaselbringer: hmm I’ve found that pinching myself is not a solid indicator of dream state, so I’ve taken to firing a live starter pistol at my face to see if I”m dreaming
12:05:20 PM weaselbringer: so far 3/4 times I’ve been awake
12:05:48 PM sikkitten: sounds like a good system.
12:07:01 PM weaselbringer: the first test run it turns out I was dreaming and the starter pistol emitted a high pitched frequency that only marmosets can hear and I shot myself in the face with a lemur..
12:07:2 PM weaselbringer: that… thankfully was only a test run, and I might add, a dream
12:07:14 PM sikkitten: been there
12:08:14 PM weaselbringer: Lemur gun… I wonder if there’s a market for that
12:08:20 PM weaselbringer: ( or an app for that )
12:08:37 PM sikkitten: haha. I would say yes to both.
12:08:55 PM sikkitten: if there isn’t a market, that’s what proper advertising is for.
12:09:06 PM sikkitten: Throw it in the right packaging and everyone will want one.
12:09:36 PM weaselbringer: packaging for a lemur gun… I guess if you sold it… inside a live camel.. that way, if you’re crafty… hey! Free camel!
12:10:43 PM sikkitten: not an advertising ploy that would work on everyone, but I’m sure it has it’s niche.
12:11:28 PM weaselbringer: inside a live baby? studies have shown that humans respond well to infants
12:12:10 PM weaselbringer: all we need to do is gently force a large lemur and accompanying pistol, along with the instruction manual and free lemur case/food pellets inside a human baby and I think that may fill TWO niche’s
12:12:31 PM sikkitten: http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2010/01/sunday-sweets-when-mario-marries.html
12:12:40 PM weaselbringer: effectively bringing it out from the niche market and into the booming, babies stuffed with things… market…thing
12:13:05 PM weaselbringer: I would get married for that cake alone
12:13:08 PM weaselbringer: to anyone or anything
12:13:28 PM weaselbringer: I would marry a cactus attached a badger trained to eat testicles to have that cake
12:13:36 PM sikkitten: HAHA. I know you would.
12:14:03 PM weaselbringer: And we’re not in the baby killing business, sure there’s money to be made but our goal is at least 70 percent live product
12:14:23 PM weaselbringer: the rest we can pawn off to third world countries where lemur stuffed baby is probably a delicacy… damn savages
12:15:34 PM sikkitten: hey, have you ever tried lemur-stuffed-baby? Don’t judge the foods of other cultures based on your own cultural biases.
12:16:05 PM weaselbringer: hey I’ve done my part I once had a mcdonalds burger from a non-franchised establishment.
12:16:30 PM weaselbringer: One time I think I had a banana or fruit or some type from near canada
12:16:35 PM sikkitten: dude, I said RESPECT other cultures…not risk your life!

So apparently the good lord above has deemed it necessary to infiltrate my iTunes playlist to show me the errors of my ways. Let me explain.

Like any good american under 30, I don’t pay for music. About the time Microsoft and Apple started slapping DRM on everything is when I just stopped caring about buying legitimate music downloads. It just came with too much headache. Sure apple’s fixed it since then but it’s easier and cheaper ($0.00) to just get what you need elsewhere. (for all legal purposes lets remind everyone that this is a COMEDY blog)

So I decided that my tired old playlist needed a dose of new music. I went through and weeded out bands that SOUNDED good at the time, but got old and boring fast. In case you’re wondering which bands those are:

• LCD Soundsystem
• Bang Camaro
• Asher Roth
• Blue October
• Cage the Elephant
• Etc

Then I realized that there are bands/songs on there that just have NO business being on my playlist like:

• Black Eyed Peas
• Cher
• Coldplay
• Depeche Mode
• Kayne West
• Etc

Rest Assured that ALL the above bands are now deleted and I’ve already gone through the effort of calling MYSELF a fag and then dickpunching myself in the locker room. So I’ve realized the error of my erroneously downloading ways. Now of course I’m more careful to download specific albums, immediately deleting them if they don’t grip my attention or seem great. So I queued up a whole new batch of bands and meticulously downloaded several albums. After checking and re-checking the files I imported them all into iTunes and used the ever-popular “Recently Added Playlist”

That’s when Jesus popped in, followed by Disco. What?

I was listening to the new albums I had just set my new songs to “random” and was enjoying some new music. (who I won’t list because I don’t know if they all suck yet) When suddenly I catch a snippet of a tune about Jesus dying on a cross. I immediately open iTunes to find the offending song. Since my Atheism is a Gargantuan Level 80 Paladin, I don’t want no upbeat Jesus music on my playlist.

Sure enough there’s “Robbie Williams” who apparently does christian themed pop. This is annoying in and of itself, but more confusing since, I DID NOT download Robbie Williams. As I’m pondering this, suddenly a half-hearted remix of “Staying Alive” starts to play. My eyes bulge out of my head and I immediately regret all the self-dickpunching soon to follow this escapade. Flipping back to iTunes I realize that part of a compilation titled “Disco Classics Re-Imagined” has found its way onto my recently added playlist… TWICE. I shit you not, every song duplicated from the 30 track compilation of Disco Classics Re-imagined… What. The. Fuck.

Now the sleuths among you have already deduced that I’ve simply been had, and that while downloading music I’ve been swindled into downloading a stupid album in place of the one I was trying to get… The only issue here… is that I didn’t. Since I’ve downloaded roughly 10 solid albums, I went back into the original download folder to find out which album was compromised. There was NO issues. Every album, every track, played perfectly. There simply was NO apparent source of Robbie Williams (Jesus Jamboree) and Disco Dickpunching Classics on my computer. Sure they were in the itunes playlist and music folder, but they have come from NOWHERE. Upon further inspection these folders were made 24 hours prior to my download fiesta. My computer is locked down at work and has no easy access from either an external source or in the office. Not to mention my coworkers are all over 50 and think iTunes is Voodoo magic sent by the aliens.

Still I asked around. Nope. Nothing. My computer was locked, firewalled, passworded, and running OSX (which isn’t as easy to hack or circumvent) in a private room in a private building. Yet somehow. The ghost of Jesus Christ put Robbie Williams and DISCO CLASSICS REIMAGINED on my fucking itunes recently added playlist with no explanation. The only idea I have is that Disco and Jesus are both NOT dead, and they’re pranking people in offices around the world, as part of the coming Disco-Rapture…

2:56:57 PM sikkitten: how’s life in the cool state?

2:57:18 PM weaselbringer: pretty amazing, they changed all the air in california to cherry flavored

2:57:33 PM weaselbringer: and now when you crash your car they give you a jet and a handjob

2:59:48 PM sikkitten: That does sound nice

2:59:52 PM sikkitten: but I don’t have a car

3:01:49 PM sikkitten: so I would miss out on that perk

3:02:06 PM sikkitten: guess I’ll have to wait until I’m employed and have a car before moving back to CA

3:02:57 PM weaselbringer: oh there’s no unemployment anymore, now if you don’t have a job they give you a state funded job eating doritos and watching TV at double your old wages

3:03:16 PM sikkitten: …yeah

3:03:17 PM sikkitten: but

3:03:33 PM weaselbringer: plus arnold Schwarzenegger comes by your house once a week and gives you a high five and a peptalk

3:03:55 PM sikkitten: I want to have a job as a graphic designer, and before I get that I want to get a degree that says I can do so

3:04:10 PM sikkitten: though Arnie coming over to high-five me sounds pretty sweet

3:05:33 PM weaselbringer: that’s fine, everything here is digital now, so you just upload some art to www.Californiaiswaybetterthananywereelse.com and someone mails you a check for 8 million dollars (or 6 million Euros) (( or 200,000 hotpockets ))

3:06:08 PM sikkitten: um, yeah…their site appears to be down

3:06:37 PM sikkitten: so I suppose I’m just going to have to work on finishing my Bachelor’s until they get it up and running again

3:06:52 PM sikkitten: I do like hotpockets.

3:07:27 PM sikkitten: wait a minute…you can only get 200,000 hotpockets for 8mil? That exchange rate seems a little off

3:10:45 PM sikkitten: You know, I always kind of thought that artificial Christmas trees would cost LESS than real ones because, well…they aren’t even REAL.

3:11:07 PM weaselbringer: hotpockets are worth their weight in gold here now, some sort of craze

3:11:24 PM weaselbringer: fake trees cost more because they last forever, and don’t make a mess

3:11:29 PM sikkitten: That’s stupid

3:11:42 PM sikkitten: I wanted a tacky weird colored tree

3:11:51 PM sikkitten: and found out that it would cost me way more than a real one

3:11:53 PM weaselbringer: although in California, everyone is given a LIVE 400 FOOT redwood tree

3:11:53 PM sikkitten: AND

3:12:00 PM weaselbringer: and your house is renovated to fit

3:12:10 PM sikkitten: that was going to be my next question

3:12:34 PM sikkitten: also, how do you reach the top to decorate

3:12:35 PM sikkitten: ?

3:12:43 PM sikkitten: and where do you get that many decorations?

3:12:56 PM weaselbringer: nothing like gathering around the old extensible crane to decorate your 2000 year old king of trees with garlands made from 747 lighting cables

3:13:04 PM sikkitten: and how do the hippies feel about all those old-growth redwoods being cut down?

3:13:37 PM sikkitten: nevermind

3:13:46 PM weaselbringer: they’re not cut down, they’re moved, live, at enormous expense. Which is funded by our sales of promises to hang out with other states but we probably won’t

3:14:11 PM sikkitten: no wonder CA’s economy is suffering…

3:14:30 PM sikkitten: Anyway, Redwoods only come in tree color or dead tree color

3:14:34 PM sikkitten: I want pink, or blue

3:14:41 PM sikkitten: maybe purple or silver foil

3:15:01 PM weaselbringer: I think you mean california red, or superior blue

3:15:05 PM weaselbringer: our state colors

So I’ve just gone and seen New Moon, or as I like to call it “Twilight 2: The Reckoning”. Let’s get the basics out of the way, I’m male and straight (enough) and I’ve seen the first movie and read the entire series of books. To be fair, I didn’t actually know what I was getting into when I idly picked up the first book and because Stephanie Meyers words are somewhat akin to girlishly coated white china heroin, I read the rest.

So I’ve enjoyed the book series, I found it to be well written and with a full and complete story arc that ends in a satisfying and somewhat surprising manner. I’m also well aware that Stephanie Meyers is a filthy mormon and is using the outmoded beliefs of her childish religion to create angst and sexual tension like never before. Apparently though, it worked. This being the first time Hollywood has not rammed a sex scene into a non-comedy romance. So on with the review.

The only time she's not about to poop

It’s hard to summarize or review the 2nd movie without acknowledging the first. The casting of which is nearly pitch perfect. However I found the direction of the first movie to be lacking in personality and life, as it played out mainly as a word-for-word reading of the book as a script with beautiful but stoic actors and actresses. Not to mention Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan) seems to consist mainly of stuttering, apoplexy and migraines throughout the first movie. Now the second iteration is released upon a veritable ocean of squealing girls and shy and ashamed men. I found it to be largely more enjoyable.

In this movie, **PLOT SPOILERS AHEAD** Robert Pattinson (Edward Cullen) as the broody perfect gentleman vampire, realizes that his very existence places his lady love in danger, after a paper cut during a birthday scene almost ends in disaster with his blood-lusting family. Ever the noble matyr, Edward decides his lifestyle is too dangerous for Bella to endure as a human and leaves her broken hearted with his (lied) assurance that he no longer loves her and will “disappear from her life forever”. Bella, lost in a massive whirlpool of sorrow turns in her desperation to Jacob, the Native American supermodel/mechanic (Taylor Lautner), who manages to brighten her life slightly with his carefree and upbeat attitude. He of course falls rapidly in love with the heavily damaged and rebounding Bella and she keeps him at arms length while using him as an emotional crutch to perform dangerous stunts. These dangerous stunts present visions of the erstwhile Edward, who warns her to not harm herself, whether this is completely in her mind or some real telepathic link to Edward (direct from angst-ville) is never quite explained.

The situation is complicated somewhat by the fact that Jacob is revealed to be a Werewolf and that several members of his tribe are also his “pack”. Furthermore, the female antagonist Victoria, having survived her mates destruction in the first movie is still hellbent on revenge and plans to kill the relatively unprotected Bella. Though the part of Victoria is largely unspoken in this movie she remains only a shadowy menace represented mainly by dirty looks and threatening poses. The real story is Bella’s mutual but distant love for Jacob and increasingly dangerous activities. This culminates in a cliff-diving scene where Edwards psychic sister foretells her death (incorrectly) and Edward finds out and plans to kill himself as a result.

Edward throws himself at the mercy of the Volturi, an ancient Italian group of vampires who all possess superpowers of some type or another. Making them the dirty X-men of the Twilight Universe. They refuse to kill Edward and so he concocts a plan to break the Volturi’s main law, which is secrecy, by exposing himself as a vampire and subsequently getting himself killed in retaliation. Bella and Alice race to Italy to prevent this and lo and behold, manage to save Edward. But not without first attracting the attention of the Volturi leaders who insist she must be made a vampire or die.

The story comes to a close with Edward back in the game and Jacob scorned and angry as Bella looks forward to becoming a Vampire.

The only other guy who watched this movie

The lengthy plot is revealed, and while this covers the real happening of the movie it’s important to note a few things. For one, Jacob, being a much more primary character and admirably acted by Taylor Lautner is also reduced to little more than female pornography by existing for 90 percent of the 130 minute runtime with no shirt on, appearing as though he probably breaks a Bowflex machine before breakfast. With rippling abs and overexaggerated muscles, intended to convey that his new Werewolf metabolism is greatly increased, he becomes more of a constant sight gag. Making girls (ranging age 14-40) Sigh and giggle constantly, as the first real equivalent of female driven porn, worms its way onto mainstream cinema. Between the wolf and abs ‘other guy’ and the dark mysterious pale leading man, this is several of the most popular female fantasies colliding in a stew that literally leaves men (or at least me) feeling distant and uncomfortable.

That’s not to say the movie is bad. I found it to be well paced, funny, and have some genuinely inspired fight scenes that leave you wincing in pain for these characters. There are some things that worked for the first movie that barely deserved a glance in this one though. The casting of her friends from high school become rapidly more irrelevant in this movie and one is led to wonder why they continue to put up with Bella’s whiny ever gloomy and dismissive attitude. It doesn’t help that these friends have very little chemistry with each other and are obviously hand picked to provide racial diversity in the cold northwestern US, where Blacks, Asians, and Puerto Ricans are not yet invented. Much less goofy friends, linked to each other only by their tenuous ability to swallow Bella’s constant emotional shitstorm.

Bella’s dad Charlie (Billy Burke) as a picture perfect Chief Swan impressed with his depth and range in the first movie. He is unfortunately relegated to a role of constant unbelievable acceptance of his daughters massive mood swings and acts of rebellion and self-endangerment. While it’s possible that most parents are little more effectual than Charlie, it’s difficult to swallow that he’s both caring and apathetic to what is essentially full blown schizophrenic behavior courtesy of the slightly less stuttery Kristen Stewart.

From a male point of view, all the female characters in this movie are beautiful and fairly well acted, however they remain the only people sensibly bundled under what, by contrast, seems like acres of clothing. The females remain simple almost indistinct and generally forgettable, as the focus is clearly on our leading lady and her Olympic sized swimming pool of testosterone resulting from 2 chiseled male competitors. All in all, I would say this movie more effectively delivers the drama of the book than the first and is worth watching and enjoying for either male or females, but it’s very obviously directed toward the latter.

For those of you that aren’t fans of the series, I can summarize the movie in another, more humorous way:

The movie budget didn't include shirts

The scared-of-blood vampire Edward, watches his girlfriend get a paper cut and breaks up with her, forcing her to gain hallucinogenic highs while cockteasing a werewolf until she attempts suicide, forcing her ex-boyfriend to beg the Italian X-men to kill him, resulting in a high speed chase and culminating in a dick-waving contest between 2 sets of differently toned bodybuilders, which they both inevitably lose because in this twlight/pokemon universe, abstinence is awesome and everyones pretty much fine with a manic depressive pushing their buttons.

So with one review, or the other, I leave you. Probably to either profess your deep hatred for this book/movie series you’ve never read or watched, or to watch the damn movie again, because the boys are SO cute.

I’ll be over here vomiting in this bucket, but giving this movie a solid 4 out of 5 stars for some great effects, performances and a pretty well written “Bodice Ripper” come to life.

10:37:04 AM Cliff: So you diggin the MW2 action?

11:30:47 AM weaselbringer: it’s pretty fricking rad

11:30:58 AM weaselbringer: doubt I’ll play it multiplayer

11:31:09 AM weaselbringer: but i’ll probably do the SP campaign twice

11:47:22 AM Cliff: Yeah, I’m hooked. The whole attack on america thing is pretty wild. Not that I’m proud that one of the fights in america revolves around a fast food chain mall.

11:47:35 AM weaselbringer: lol

11:47:37 AM weaselbringer: yeah

11:47:42 AM weaselbringer: defend the burger town is pretty silly

11:47:49 AM weaselbringer: but I’m glad there’s a taco bell or whatever,

11:48:23 AM Cliff: Well its funny, you think about all the other game they’ve done and you fight for farms and churches and historic areas. Then they do one game in america and your defending the burger barn and taco hut.

11:48:46 AM Cliff: “God damnit general, save the burger barn and get me a double quarter pounder while your there!”

11:48:48 AM weaselbringer: well I’m assuming we’re defending “freedom” and not the burger hut

11:49:02 AM Cliff: Freedom Fries

11:49:22 AM weaselbringer: we’re defending our right to have people stupid enough to call french fries… that

11:49:42 AM Cliff: God bless america

11:56:21 AM weaselbringer: I believe the burger hut was bombed anyway

11:56:44 AM weaselbringer: diner also thrashed, pisstown USA will have to bebuilt

11:57:05 AM weaselbringer: Hundreds of dollars in government funding will be required before it can regain it’s former beauty

11:57:11 AM weaselbringer: HUNDREDS

11:57:33 AM Cliff: Wheres a crying eagle when you need one.

11:58:00 AM weaselbringer: or a cybernetic bald eagle riding a plymouth into uncle sams vampire mouth

11:58:04 AM weaselbringer: no wait that’s just a tattoo I wanted

11:58:56 AM Cliff: I can see it, I dig it… no wait let me get the acid then everything will make sense

12:02:36 PM weaselbringer: then it looks like a pile of lumber, acid test pre-completed buddy

12:02:47 PM weaselbringer: what about that controversial airport scene?

12:02:58 PM Cliff: Did you play that yet?

12:03:02 PM Cliff: Its the third mission

12:03:16 PM weaselbringer: Here’s a massive machine gun and for some reason we need you to “PRETEND” by killing and gunning down OODLES of innocents

12:03:38 PM weaselbringer: this is to ‘get in good’ with the terrorist, who is STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE YOU ARE HOLDING A MACHINE GUN

12:04:18 PM weaselbringer: you could burst all 5 of those jackasses and not a single civilian life lost, or you could HELP them gun down thousands, get shot in the face and start a war…

12:04:19 PM weaselbringer: hmm

12:04:40 PM weaselbringer: maybe America’s policy of ‘kill as many innocents as it takes’ isn’t as well thought out as we thought

12:04:48 PM Cliff: hah

12:05:32 PM Cliff: Well heres my take on it, they wanted you to get in close with him to figure out what was next. Maybe they thought he had a nuke or something big that could kill loads more, who knows, I’m honestly not sure if they even bring it up.

12:05:46 PM Cliff: Anyways, they send you in the get in good with him and play buddy buddy

12:05:48 PM weaselbringer: Not explained at all

12:06:18 PM weaselbringer: and I’m pretty sure he can’t use a nuke with 30 rounds in his back… which is exposed to you, the whole time, that you are… killing innocent people, to gain his favor, which doesn’t work

12:06:33 PM Cliff: What bugs me is all that “If you are compromised we destroy all evidence of your existence” that ALL other CIA movies do… I mean shit its the first thing I thought of.

12:07:03 PM Cliff: My assumption was it was a no other alternative situation

12:07:06 PM weaselbringer: isn’t the point of counter terrorism to avoid gigantic bloodbaths like… I dunno, a massive airport execution?

12:07:14 PM Cliff: Like he had the capabilities and cells that would do it for him if he died

12:07:55 PM weaselbringer: still knowing there was some guy in france with sweaty palms holding the controller for a nuke would go a long way to soothing my concerns, instead it’s “Be his friend, kill thousands… it’s WORTH it”

12:08:31 PM Cliff: *little devil on his shoulder*

This is a good idea, nothing could go wrong.

12:08:55 PM weaselbringer: little angel – Yeah, machine guns, yeah! (in a beavis voice)

12:09:01 PM Cliff: hah

12:09:41 PM weaselbringer: I have to say the game is made worth it by gangsta shooting faceless enemies while snowmobiling at roughly 200 miles per hour

12:09:46 PM Cliff: Maybe one of the writers at activision had a really bad experience at a german airport and was like “Ya know what, fuck these people” and the story goes from there.

12:09:56 PM weaselbringer: You ever been to german airport?

12:09:58 PM Cliff: lol

12:10:00 PM Cliff: no

12:10:01 PM weaselbringer: it’s like that ALL the time

12:10:09 PM weaselbringer: thousands dead daily

12:10:30 PM weaselbringer: I don’t think a plane has ever successfully landed or taken off from a german airport

12:10:36 PM weaselbringer: due to all the shootings

12:10:42 PM Cliff: I’ll have to make note of this

12:10:46 PM Cliff: Avoid Germany

12:11:01 PM weaselbringer: yeah if you’re layover is in hamburg or something like that, wear flak, go in packing and leave on a fucking snowmobile

12:11:21 PM weaselbringer: that will be the only way you’re getting to euro-disney

12:11:58 PM Cliff: Now I have the image of Mickey in the airport gunning down thousands of civilians.

12:12:17 PM weaselbringer: with his creepy laugh, now THAT would be Epic Mickey

12:12:49 PM weaselbringer: Goofy throws a flashbang and says “Garsh” before slitting the throat of yet another airport security guard

12:13:16 PM Cliff: Donald suicide bombs a concession stand

12:15:07 PM weaselbringer: which accomplishes…

12:15:20 PM weaselbringer: No it doesn’t matter

12:15:26 PM weaselbringer: I think it’s awesome

12:15:37 PM weaselbringer: I’m also going to blog this… watch me

12:16:21 PM Cliff: I can’t wait for the FBI to call me.

12:19:39 PM weaselbringer: and crotchmail.com ‘ed

12:20:08 PM Cliff: I’ve always waited for this day… my life is complete