From the old Devil’s Newsletter Day’s – Here’s some more examples of customer service letters that would likely get you fired

WeaselBringer: Dear waste of human life, We have taken your order and put it in the shredder and then taken the long strips of paper and put them through again horizontally, this is an effective way to make confetti, we used the confetti during a celebration party dedicated to your lost order, and as a party trick we charged your account for this order about 1034 times. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused

WeaselBringer: Dear SeaFoamPimp@tercel.com – We have totally been up in your order records. And the shit you was ramblin’ about ain’t nuthin’ – it just some shit from back in the day, jus’ like  tricked out and all fuckered. So my bad G’ Funk – Sincerely , Yo’ Pimp mack daddy direct channel rep(Resent!)

WeaselBringer: Dear Sally, while tracing your order in our systems, we decided to put your email address in google, and we found some pictures of you in lingerie having sex with a dog. We think that’s pretty messed up. But Tom in Accounting would like your number, and we weren’t sure if we should give it to him, but it sounds like you’re a total freak, so we just wanted your permission. Oh and your order has been cancelled or something. – signed – Customer ‘bestiality’ service

WeaselBringer: Dear Annoying customer, Thank you for shutting the hell up. Your last email was like 4 pages, and even just skimming it made me late for my break, where I got totally trashed and totally forgot your order and had to read it AGAIN. Could you drop the attitude and just get to the point? thx dood – CS

WeaselBringer: Dear Sam Peckinhaw, We received your email about your lost order. And we assure you that we’re doing everything we can to track it. We even put up pictures of it around town on phone polls and offered a reward, if this doesn’t work, we will start going door to door and putting ads in the paper, rest assured we will find your order. In the meantime please accept this free gift of spam-scented candles. – CS

WeaselBringer: Dear blah, thank you for your inquiry. As per your request we have had your children raped and your husband shot. Or replaced your broken glass pumpkin. It might be either one… But one of those requests is definitely done. If you would like your faced slammed in a vice and beaten with bamboo, don’t hesitate to call us again

WeaselBringer: Dear customer: We were about to issue your refund but upon further investigation we’ve realized that you’re Jewish, and we don’t like that much. So at this time no refund can be issued. And we hope you will die, and continue to enjoy shopping at illuminations (you stinky heebie)

WeaselBringer: Dear Customer/dumbass, Our records indicate that you probably impotent and unable to perform sexually or physically. Our records also indicate that it’s small. I mean really small… Our records might be lying, but they’ve been around, and they know small. We hope this information is helpful in locating your glass pumpkin order. – Sincerely, ‘well-hung’customer service rep

Dear Franni Drepshanksizzlekeynips,

Thank you for your inquiry. We have investigated your order. (#66675859) We were unable to find anything at first. And then we investigated more. We have discovered that your order was sent, but to an address of your brother-in-law whom you no longer speak with (according to our investigations, which are very thorough) – However, DO NOT Panic. As the order sent was only an empty box and included an invoice listing 7000x Mongoose testacles. These unfortunately, were not available either.

Upon further investigation of the previous investigation. We have determined that the original product you ordered (3 chestnut jar candles) Were roasted over an open fire at the warehouse during a christmas party that involved, to the best of our knowledge, black tar heroin and vicodin shooters. These were of course, rapidly replaced with several similar items (#66672349) and shipped to Peru.

Upon investigating our records of the previous inverted ‘investigation’ Quantum Theory. We have located your order (#42002349) in Peru, where we do not provide shipping services. Your 7 Hazelnut replacement jars were located via sattelite and were ingested by goats near the Appalachian border, and their owner is understandably upset. We understand that this is not your responsibility, nevertheless we have charged your account several thousand dollars as compensation to a Havarrti Domanicann which will appear on your visa bill as “Goat Damage Reperation” This should also explain the majority of the ‘excessive’ charges that you mentioned in your earlier email.

We have hired paranormal investigators to track the dead investigators killed during the aforementioned ‘Quantum’ investigation, which sadly, ended in tragedy. Through this medium we have issued a replacement order at the warehouse for 4 Lemony-Vomit scented candles. Which are the only currently available closest replacement product. These however were dropped by a shipping employee by the name of Lenny Sendgooder, who has received 35 lashes for his impudence and lack of training. Lenny is recovering in intensive care and sends his best wishes. A replacement request was issued by the local department for this worker. This was returned electronically to our facility, which we promptly printed and mailed via US Postal service to our Fax department for them to Send back to the warehouse to have your 4th replacement order (#696969LOL) of 90 Dead grasshoppers with chestnuts fullfilled. This order was sent by Priority overnight shipping to our warehouse, where it was also shipped from, in an unfortunate system glitch. Upon receiving this order, it was promptly returned to sender, as we didn’t order any grasshoppers or chestnuts. And the 30th of December we received it back here via Fed-Ex.

We quickly investigated and consulted our Ouji board and immediately repackaged your order (#420420LOL) with most of the grasshoppers intact, and a free beer bottle (empty) for your troubles. This was sent with freight charges to your current listed address. The box that you received containing a Bottle of Cabernet and a live ape was a mistake generated by our investigation into our order system. Which sadly, also ended in tragedy.

To conclude our investigation, the additional charges on your credit card for “Personal Massage” and “93 Kegs Br. Ale” are a blatant lie and the empty kegs will be returned when they are all located from various parts of the warehouse and surrounding field area. This charge will be refunded, pending an investigation. Your current order has been cancelled unfortunately as we are out of candles and are now shipping only packing peanuts and old issues of “Vogue” to random addresses that pop into our heads.

We hope you understand the difficulty we have experienced this holiday season and cease your complaints and constant emails. So that we may continue our investigation into Bigfoot. Who also was shipped something.

If you have any questions, or if you require any further assistance, please contact us at NoReply@CandlesMaybe.com, or by phone at 1-800-DONT-ASK. Our phone center is open to assist you with your purchase Monday through Tuesday, from 1am – 2am Central-Pacific-Mountain time.

We look forward to serving you in the future.

Thank you for your interest in CandlesMaybe.com.

Sincerely,

—-

Nabinga Wedonship

Direct Channels Customer Service Dept.

WISMO@CandlesMaybe.com

I don’t imagine many people would listen to a stand-up comedian who bitches about traffic and the same rule probably applies for comedic writers eager to share their frustration with the daily routine that is the ‘commute’. However I’ve come up with an innovative and relatively harmless way of shedding my aggression, sticking it to the man, and retaining a zen-like mischievous calm.

From the Eyes of the Motherfucker

You see when I’m driving, sometimes 2 to 4 hours a day, I see my share of aggressive pass-happy idiots. Who forgo blinkers and speed laws as well as common sense, to reach the nexus of Douchebag known as “Motherfucker”

Every day I see people spend time weaving in and out of traffic in complicated spiraling and often dangerous ways in an effort to show people they will never see, that they are angry at life and don’t understand traffic. Here’s some easy tips to recognize your classic “Motherfucker”

• Fancy or Shitty Cars. It’s not usually a Honda or a Chevy that contains a motherfucker. It’s generally a late-model Mercedes convertible or a half-spray painted Ford Festiva. There isn’t much in-between. Apparently the extremely poor and rich are always late for that next appointment, with their crack dealer.
• No Blinkers, regardless of car, the first one you see to swap lanes or merge without even a hint of blinker is probably on his way to douchiness.
• Cell Phones… Now in california it’s a law now to not speak on your cell phone, at least not with it held up to your ear, I generally agree that headsets should be used and cell phone in-car should be used sparingly, but your up and coming MF will likely have a large handset plastered against their ear while making lane changes, merging, parking, crashing, or bleeding to death. It’s one very important phone call people!
• Also watch for dangling cigarettes, dice on the mirror, being female, or anyone executing child discipline…

Now that we’ve made some effort to determine what the average MF warning signs are, it’s important understand both my actions and my philosophy. I’ll start by justifying myself in saying.

“Passing me, will not get you where you are going any faster”

This diagram just means you're wrong

Sounds simple and maybe even wrong, but in practice it’s not. I can’t speak for everyone but I’m a fairly experienced commuter, I get in the fast lane and stay there until I have to leave, I don’t nervously shift lanes when traffic slows, and I don’t rubberneck or rummage around the floor of my car looking for the ark of the covenant. Yet countless times I see a complete waste of human breathing air aggressively pass me and maybe even several other people, at unsafe speeds with no margin for error and almost always, in the middle of heavy traffic. WHY?

You see the practice of shifting lanes constantly (and like an asshole) means that you take every ’slot’ or opportunity that arises, however due to the intricacies that is the hive-mind of traffic this will almost always result in 1 step forward, 2 steps back implementation. As heavy traffic has no “system” to beat, aside from having a police siren or illegally driving on the shoulder (both of which I’ve seen performed by the fabled “Grand Master Douchbags” or “Cocksucking Motherfuckers”)

The inevitable result is that I stay in my lane, obey the laws and watch as they helplessly and angrily get left behind, time and time again, and before long they’re far behind me… who hasn’t changed lanes or speed… once.

Now having seen this demonstrated almost daily and proven to be true about 90 percent of the time. I’ve come up with a way to make myself feel better and to give them a direction for their spongy self-loathing rage. Here it is: I don’t let them pass me. But… Adam… doesn’t that mean you would have to work at blocking them. Yes. Absolutely. I block the shit out of them.

Woe betide the fledgling Motherfucker who tries to pass me. Because he’s in for about 20 minutes of total passive aggressive cock-blocking. You see, the passer, never thinks beyond the moment. They see an opportunity, represented here by a 5 foot gap between me and another fellow commuter in front of me. They see that gap and they think to themselves. That gap is in a more forward position than I am, and therefore would improve my standing in this traffic mess I’ve found myself in, also, I have a small penis. (male or female). They immediately move to jam their car unsafely into the tiny spot presented between our two cars in what some would call a ’safe distance’ But fuck all that, He’s going in, to tailgate someone else, and push me back yet another 20 feet in my attempt to live my life’s dream of not getting murdered by a douchebag.

So instead, I pull forward slightly, making the possible gap, simply impossible. The passer (MF) will then ride alongside me waiting for my concentration to slip, before finally dropping back and looking for a spot behind me, or another opportunity. Eventually though, like a fly to a delectable piece of shit, they return, buzzing around my personal space. Now the stakes are increased, the speed is higher, the gap is bigger. I can almost see the look of man-child-like glee on the face of the passing MF as he moves forward to overtake me. Only to have me pull forward, speed up slightly and block the space again. I’ve played this game for upwards of 30 minutes, once for my personal best was 55 straight minutes of innocently blocking a complete dick in a black Audi (A8).

These are Fascinating, aren't they!?!?!

The key here is not to enrage the other driver, that would be only too easy. No the key is to look INNOCENT. You never make eye contact, turn your head, and above all, never laugh maniacally. Though between you and me it’s happened. The essential idea here is to look like you just happen to be blocking their pass attempt. This only works in relatively dense, fast traffic or else too much opportunity will arise and they will cut you off and get home .00008 seconds faster to beat their wives and hateful white trash children. I’ve made an artistic form of making passing impossible and while I casually whistle to myself in cocoon of zen-like fun, the other driver keeps pounding his fists on his steering wheel in a temper tantrum to fate, wondering why they CANNOT achieve the impossible dream that is pissing me off and tailgating some other guy.

Because I am there… Blocking You. I make it look accidental, but it’s not. I hate you. I hate your 90 mile an hour attempts to get 3 carlengths ahead of me, only to slip behind me 10 minutes later because apparently being a dickface doesn’t come with a decent attention span or brain size. I hate the fact that you’ve spent the last several years wondering what that ‘clicky’ handle does to the left of your steering wheel. I hate the fact that you think passing me will achieve something. I hate the overwhelming idea, that the goal you’re so aggressively and dangerously careening toward is probably nothing even slightly more important than what I’m heading toward.

But I don’t let it get to me, I just put a smile on my face and pull forward slightly. Now quit trying.

Birthday Post (or What I’ve learned in 28 years)

Here’s a list of some of the important things I’ve learned in 28 years:

• Your greatest hopes and dreams from when you are younger will morph and fade away and become an urge to create a 401k
• Always tip a dollar a drink at the bar.
• You simply cannot eat an entire wheel of cheese without severe consequences
• Don’t mix alcohol types in one night, if you HAVE to, limit it to 2 types MAXIMUM
• The few times when you think you look really awesome, your fly is probably down
• Awkward moments are hilarious and should be treated as such
• Music, Movies and all Forms of mass entertainment aren’t nearly as important as you thought they were
• It’s okay to re-read books
• The best pick-up line is “Hello, my name is _______”
• A tomato is neither a fruit nor a vegetable, but a spy for the coming alien armada

Here’s a list of the things I’ve FAILED to learn in 28 years, but should have:

• You simply cannot eat an entire wheel of cheese without severe consequences.
• You can’t get famous or rich off of being ‘Awesome’
• While your friends think you’re funny, it’s best not to assume that you are funny to everyone
• When a girl you don’t know smiles at you, check behind you to see if her boyfriend is there
• Tell your friends you love them, but not in front of their coworkers, or they will look at you weird
• Don’t call other peoples parents mom/dad/ma/pa/bitch/asshole
• I can’t dance

Here’s a list of the things I want to do before I’m 30

• Get written about in a magazine
• Make money off the internet
• Write a novel
• Play Night-Time Frisbee
• Burn the Confederate Flag
• Make the best sandwich ever
• Make a 401k… or a threesome, whichever comes first