(Or What happened to Crotchmail)

Many of you may have noticed that Crotchmail went down for several weeks, and that it was officially “Banned by Google” for that duration as well. Why? Psychotic Korean Hackers gone nuts on my website! No really.

It all started when I fired up my computer one day, and got some strange emails from this blog that weren’t generated by me… Then I realize that I can’t send emails because I’ve gone over my 300/day quota, WTF?

I quickly jumped into action, where jumping and action means, typing crotchmail.com into my web browser. Where I was immediately met with a huge red warning sign, that is a new FEATURE of firefox 3, which means that when your site is listed as harmful by google, it is literally blocked. I had to accept a dialog box to get onto my site. Which immediately tried to dump viruses and malware onto my computer.

I quickly replaced the affected files, but to no avail. Then I did some research with IP addresses and found out that basically I had been hacked by someone in Korea (or Mars) who had used a security flaw in Wordpress to skullfuck my website and inject it with dirty web-STD’s. Then my site was used like a portugese whore to spread the vicious evil around the internet.

After GoDaddy claimed they could do nothing to help me, and Google simply requested that I ‘fix the problem‘ it was up to me to correct all this crap. However this required me to change my passwords, reinstall my blogging software, pour through hundreds of pages of code and to do a tribal rain dance on a twister board, covered in the blood of the first born son of a couple who have both had opposing sex changes.

After all this my patient appeared dead, like an injured soldier who has had too many surgeries I was unable to resuscitate. But with the help of my friend Anton and Brendan I gained some additional insight which eventually led me to getting things back on track. Which for your information, involved forcing my way into the admin panel and changing to a different template because my current one was permanently f***ed.  After that I had to re-sync up with my SQL database. Does this sound like utter nonsense to you? Well then you’re lucky.

Long story short, I had to do a long song and dance to get my site back up and running and had I been one iota less of a genius I could have lost all my articles, and the world would forever be a shittier place. The internet would be like detroit… that’s right DETROIT.

- Adam

CrotchMail.com

Here’s some things you can do to while away a rainy day.

1. Become immortal.

At first I thought becoming immortal was going to be extremely hard, not knowing how to do it. Then I thought it would be extremely easy, as my plan was to disguise myself as leftover food in my refrigerator which SEEMS to last forever. Then it went back to hard again, but I don’t know, sell your soul, do some 75+ years of research, you should be right on track. If you’re looking for the ONE day version, get in my fridge and write “Expires 10/07/2003″ on your ass and you should be fine.

2. Write a Story.

Now this can very easy or very hard depending on whether or not you’ve ever entertained the idea of writing a story that actually starts “It was a dark and stormy night” but just to be ironic. If you have, well then stop reading and place your mouth over your car exhaust pipe while walloping your testicles with a meat tenderizer to make sure you never breed. (if no testicles are present, a hysterectomy can be performed with an alan wrench) But getting back to writing a story, get inspired. Think about your favorite superhero doing something terrible to a pigeon and then write about how that makes you feel, then read what you wrote, and write about how THAT made you feel, and you’ll have 3 credits in creative writing by 10pm tonight.

3. Develop Hypochondria

This is an easy pass-time. Just wander around the house and pay close attention to your body. If you hear any weird noises coming from your joints… Arthritis! If your stomach grumbles… Ulcers! If you forget why you’re doing this… Alzheimers! If you trip and fall down, vertigo. Just about anything happening to you can be transformed into a serious and permanent affliction, which you can then use to whittle pity from your loser friends. Although here’s a note, if you’re wandering around the house vomiting blood, crying uncontrollably, and you skin keeps falling off, you may have actually contracted, the common cold.

4. Create a New Recipe

Got the munchies? Bored? Sometimes just creating a new meal out of household items can bring immense satisfaction. Here’s an example. Today I looked in my pantry and assembled the following ingredients. Beef Ramen, Stale Tortilla Chips, a Hershey’s Kiss and a can of cream of onion soup, as well as a fruit loop (singular). Simply place all these items in a blender and set to puree, then pour on top of a brick of cheese and VOILA! You’re a chef. I call that meal “La Spleena de Ruptura” After some mysterious circumstances that followed this meal.

5. Memorize Pi

Go ahead, try it.

3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751058209749445923078164062862089986

28034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481117450284102

70193852110555964462294895493038196442881097566593344612847564823378678316527120190

91456485669234603486104543266482133936072602491412737245870066063155881748815209209

62829254091715364367892590360011330530548820466521384146951941511609…
6. Abandon Religion

Oh this is one of my favorites! Just head on down to the local bookstore to get a few books on “Logic” and “Lines of Reasoning” and “Scientific Theory” and “Darwin” and then the particular religious text of your choice. Then just look up each mandate or rule in your religious texts, then compare them to the other books. After disproving about 30-40 pages of such great works of fiction as “The Bible” or “The Qua ran” you’ll be laughing endlessly. Then embrace the newfound group of people around you known as “Smart folk”.

7. Live an Elaborate Fantasy (see #6)

Besides the aforementioned elaborate fantasies, you can come up with hundreds of cool things to act out in your very own home. Here’s some favorite examples of mine: Put on a blanket/cape and make a fort out of your couch cushions, then pretend you’re a gay superhero crushing the condominiums of the heathen hetero’s. Or, re-arrange all your furniture to look like a movie theatre and pretend you’re running a seedy pornographic movie-house, you can add little touches like charging people to come in and putting gum and semen everywhere. If you’re short on supplies, simply tie yourself to the kitchen table and try to make an escape using only a spatula and a toothpick (Like the spies do!).

8. Make a Wartime replica of Paris during the Blitzkrieg out of potato chips and Bic pens.

Nuff Said.

9. Do what I do

You can always do what I do on a rainy day. Wake up late, read your email (or my email for that matter) then eat a cookie and watch a tv show, then go out to the mailbox like 23 times to see if the mail has come yet. Then sit in 7 different positions in the living room, then go get coffee and then come home again. Then sit in 23 different positions in the living room before striking up a conversation with your roommate about salads before finally sitting down to write an article called “Things to do on a Rainy Day” - Writing for a comedy website… Is there anything more awesome?

Enjoy the Rainy Day!

by: M. Gordon

Lately I have been noticing that more and more people are entering the workplace. Some are returning to work after an injury or pregnancy, some are switching jobs, but most are, like me, just beginning to realize that in order to have money you must have a job. Now, more than ever, working outside the home seems like a fad that just won’t “quit.” But, how does one get a job? After successfully being hired at over 50 jobs in the past ten years, I will share some of my secrets with you.

Building Your Resume

The first way a prospective employer judges you is by your resume, and believe me, the judgment doesn’t stop there. However, your resume will be the most effective when the skills you list match EXACTLY with the qualifications of the job. You want to begin by doing a bit of research. Find out what the position you are applying for requires in order to build a solid foundation of lies about your skills. For example, let’s say, oh, you want to be a coal miner. Go to a trustworthy source of information (the Internet is a good choice,) and find out what exactly a coal miner does. Then, using your information source, begin to pad your resume with the skills a good coal mining company will be looking for in a prospective employee. Using professional language and workplace buzzwords, even the dullest of skills sounds impressive. Here’s a side-by-side example of an information source, and how to translate that into “resume-speak.”

Make sure to throw in any information you think could possibly impress them. Much like a book report was back in high school; the longer your resume is, the more impressive it will be to your prospective employer. Any story that makes you look good is sufficient. If you can’t think of any, try to think of compliments you once heard someone say about someone you wanted to be like. Then use those, only make them about you.

Because an employer may be interviewing many people for the position, make sure you add something to your resume they will remember you by, something that reflects your personality. Glitter & glue is a simple way to make a bold statement with your resume. Make your resume stand out from the crowd by rewriting the entire document in a fine Old English calligraphic font. Use your imagination!

During the Interview

Most people hired to do the hiring at many companies use the same types of questions during an interview. They will begin by asking you what your strengths are. Reply by telling them exactly what you think they want to hear. Look around the office for clues. For instance, if the interviewer has a photo of children on his or her desk, mention that you are good with kids. Not only will this endear you to their hearts, you might also pick up some extra money babysitting for them in the future. If they have a book shelf in their office, you should make up some story about how one time, you read a whole bunch of books, and so on. They will then ask you what you think your weaknesses are. Respond by simply stating “I have none.”

Hot tip: If you are going into any type of sales, always throw in the phrase “I could sell ice cubes to an Eskimo!” Most human resources personnel are delighted into giggles by this slightly offensive, antiquated colloquialism and you will surely impress them with your savvy understanding of the sales world.

Getting the Job

Getting the job doesn’t stop after the interview. You must continue to make a good impression while the employer is in the crucial decision making process. To do this, take the last of your food stamps and go buy about ten pounds of chocolate chip cookie dough. Bake the cookies carefully (burnt cookies are a sure-fire way to NOT land your dream job) and hand deliver them hot from the oven to every employee in the human resources department EXCEPT the person who interviewed you. This will make a great impression on your soon-to-be coworkers, and the interviewer will be left wanting more of your “good stuff,” as symbolized by the cookies they didn’t get.

Now, more than ever, people are working at jobs. You want to be one of them. Now you can be. Armed with the skills you need to appear qualified, you should be able to get any job you want if you just apply these basic rules of thumb. Aim for the stars, and don’t give up your chance at landing that dream job just because you’re hopelessly unqualified. Hey, I heard they’re hiring up at the White House…the next President could be you!